Smarkass Reviews: WWE Superstar Collection - John Cena

So, this is one of the first releases of the new "WWE Superstar Collection," a cheap set of DVDs aimed at the more casual WWE fan. This one, along with one for Zack Ryder, came out on Tuesday, each running around an hour and a half total and meant to be just quick catch-ups/spotlights of wrestlers. I'm oddly enthused about this line of DVDs, mostly because it will give some guys who aren't ready for the three-disc treatment DVD releases. That doesn't look like it will always be the case necessarily given some of the guys getting sets in the future (like the October releases, which seem to be Shawn Michaels and Rey Mysterio), but it's fun and something that you can watch in a short period of time. There isn't, like, nine hours of stuff to get through, which is kind of nice.

The John Cena set only has four matches and one of which kind of annoys me (the triple threat with Shawn Michaels and Triple H), because it was featured on his most recent three-disc set, the John Cena Experience. I don't see why they felt the need to include a match already on a John Cena DVD set (one that's only a couple of years old at that). It's a bad case of double-dipping when they had a variety of other matches that could have filled that spot like a Cena/Big Show match from 2010 or maybe the Cena/Triple H/Randy Orton triple threat from 2010, or even one of Cena's matches with Batista from 2011. None of those have shown up on any recent compilations and would have fit in pretty well, because Cena's disc here is really just a random collection of matches that show off Cena's ability. I think this is especially problematic when John Cena is one of those guys who the more casual fan will buy the DVD of, so there's an increased chance that fans will be getting the same match twice when there's really no reason for it.

Aside from that conceptual problem, let's go through the matches and see how this set fares...

Match #1: World Heavyweight Championship Match - John Cena (C) vs. Chris Jericho (Armageddon 12.14.08)
At first, I thought this might be a duplicate for me from the History of the World Heavyweight Championship set, but that has their previous match, from Survivor Series, where Cena won the belt off Jericho. I pay attention quite well... I remember seeing this match in the bar where I watched every WWE PPV (aside from Armageddon 2008) from the fall of 2008 through Backlash 2010, and it was dead. Completely dead. It was a little awkward, because Michelle and I aren't big drinkers. I'd usually get a pitcher of coke (maybe a second later in the show), while she'd get a pitcher of pop, too, if I recall correctly. I think one other person turned up to see this show. This match was a disappointing at the time, because it seemed to mark the end of Jericho's awesome 2008 where he became the best wrestler in the company by pretty much all standards. The tap out at the end seemed so rushed. Rewatching it for the first time since then, I liked it. Jericho was more vicious, even using headbutts against Cena early on (I can't recall him doing that any other times really). The story was that Jericho wanted the title back, but also wanted to utterly destroy Cena, because Cena was his son's favourite wrestler. Nice to see Jericho step up the aggression for a story like that. It was a match where Jericho was in control more often than not, but usually not for extended periods of time. There was a lot of back-and-forth and counters with few down moments. They kept up a steady pace and avoided the usual 'heel beats on Cena for long periods of time' style. It's a subtle thing to have the heel dominate without long periods of just beating the shit out of the face, but they managed that through the simplicity of the counter. Cena would break the rhythm by trying to hit a move and Jericho would counter it. It was a sign of life on Cena's part without him actually getting any offence in. Clever stuff. The finish still seems a little rushed with Jericho's tap out to the STF coming pretty quickly, but they'd built up enough fake-outs and near wins for Jericho that you buy the idea that he was mentally worn down -- also, he'd tapped out at Survivor Series, so there could be a sense that he knew he couldn't escape, so why suffer? Jericho has a habit of delivering good matches with Cena and, while this isn't their best bout, it definitely fits that trend.
Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion: John Cena [***1/4]

Match #2: Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship - John Cena (C) vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H (Survivor Series 11.22.09)
This has one of my favourite openings to a match. This was the semi-end of the 2009 DX reunion (or the beginning of the end at least) and, going into this match, the question of how Michaels and Triple H would behave was a big driving point of the story. Cena against a tag team, basically -- but both tag partners would want to win, right? So, the bell rings and Cena is in one corner, facing both members of DX and... Shawn Michaels superkicks Triple H! The look on Cena's face of sheer surprise sold the moment so well. It just came out of nowhere and was fantastic. The match itself was basically told in four parts: Cena vs. Michaels; Cena vs. Triple H; Michaels vs. Triple H; and Cena vs. Michaels vs. Triple H. It's an interesting way to structure a match like this and all of the parts weren't equal (the Michaels/Trips part was pretty short compared to the rest), but it kept things clear and fresh. A trio of short singles matches before all three men collide in the finale? I can think of worse ways to approach a triple threat. It's a nice build and, when things started to collide in the final stretch, it worked quite well. Moves blended together -- I loved when Cena had the STF on Triple H and Michaels put the Crossface on Cena before Cena countered and put Michaels in the STF. They got into a nice rhythm/flow that paid off the trio of one-on-one moments earlier. They made you want to see all three guys at once instead of simply giving it to you right away. I complained about the double-dipping of this match on Cena DVDs, but I can't complain about the quality -- there's a reason why this is on both this and the John Cena Experience.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: John Cena [****]

Match #3: Superstar of the Year Match - John Cena vs. Randy Orton (Monday Night Raw 12.14.09)
This is an epilogue match to the 2009 feud between Cena and Orton that a lot of people shat on at the time, but I've enjoyed whenever I've gotten the chance to see their matches from that period. This was for the Superstar of the Year Slammy Award (it used to be awarded like any other award, but they began holding matches in 2009 for it) and it's not an amazing match. It's mostly a competent Cena/Orton TV match, but I like the idea that, after their One-Hour Iron Man Match at Bragging Rights that we got a small epilogue TV match. One last regular match between the two where they show how well they work together. Orton dominates, Cena comes back, they tease their finishers until Cena puts him away. Solid stuff and I'm not sure you'd find a much better Cena TV match to put on this set.
Winner: John Cena [**1/2]

Match #4: Steel Cage Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship - The Miz (C) vs. John Cena vs. John Morrison (Extreme Rules 05.01.11)
A bittersweet match, because is basically the End of the Miz as a Main Eventer. I really like the Miz's work in the WWE and am still annoyed that losing the WWE Championship here killed his validity as a main event performer (more because of how he was handled in the wake of losing the belt than anything else). But, this is a pretty good match. Each man has clearly defined roles: the Miz is the cocky champion that knows he's hated by everyone and has to bust his ass to keep his belt; John Cena is the powerhouse face that is the favourite, but somehow can't beat the Miz; and John Morrison the agile and quick newcomer that has a history with the Miz and is this close to proving he's just as good as his former partner. Within that framework, the three men work well -- lots of quick escape attempts by Morrison, the Miz frantically alternating between the two men, the two faces sometimes working together to beat on the Miz... there aren't a lot of Cena/Morrison moments, but that fits the story. The spot of the match is easily Morrison's modified Starship Pain off the cage onto the other two. R-Truth's involvement doesn't work as well when viewing this match out of context, but it did put the focus on the real story, which was Cena finally ending the Miz's reign as champion. Despite this being a triple threat match and Morrison's history with the Miz, the Cena/Miz stuff was the heart of this match, and R-Truth's involvement put it back in focus.
Winner and NEW WWE Champion: John Cena [***3/4]

Overall, this is a decent set. Nothing too special, particularly if you buy PPV DVDs, but it's an hour-and-a-half of good matches -- and another reminder that Cena is better than most online give him credit for.

Smarkass Comments: Randy Orton: Evolution of a Predator

In December, I got Randy Orton: Evolution of a Predator and I'm amazed at how little mention I've seen of it online. It was one of the more DVD releases from the WWE in a while. Obviously, a Randy Orton DVD set isn't surprising: he's basically the #2 face in the company behind John Cena. You could maybe argue that CM Punk is #2 now, but I don't think so. Orton is at the point where's just over in a big way no matter what. That he hasn't had a DVD set yet is a surprise, honestly -- not as surprising as the set itself. It features a documentary on the first disc and two discs of matches, which is the WWE's most common way to structure these sets. The surprising thing is the content.

The main documentary feature presents two stories basically: the first is Orton's journey from Elimination Chamber 2011 to WrestleMania XXVII, while the second is the usual biography. The first part is interesting, walking the lines between the reality of working as a wrestler for the WWE and limiting the exposure to the scripted element of the company's product. We see Orton backstage before events, but never see any discussions of match construction, who's going over, or run-throughs (as I've heard are had for group matches like the Elimination Chambers). They keep that stuff off screen, instead presenting Orton like a 'real' competitor. They also show some of the media stuff he does and charity work, a few bits at home, stuff like that. One of my favourite moments in this portion of the documentary (it skips back and forth between this and the bio) is Orton discussing how difficult he finds media appearances and how much he's worked at it. Wrestling is stage performance, working for the live audience, and that means being over-the-top. Orton is fairly restrained usually, but still.

The bio feature is where I was surprised. The story is basically 'Randy Orton used to be an asshole and now he's not.' Showing wrestlers in a negative light isn't something new to WWE DVDs. How can it be with the antics of Roddy Piper, Ric Flair, the Ultimate Warrior, Hulk Hogan, and so many other wrestlers from the past? There's a big difference between showing the negative side of 'legends' and your #2 guy, though. Orton's attitude problems aren't news to the online smarks, but to the average viewer? To kids? You have Orton and pretty much everyone else they interview call Randy Orton a complete asshole up until a couple of years ago. You have John Cena saying that he hated Orton and that he was only kept around because he was good in the ring. The closest thing to someone saying something positive about Orton outside of the ring then is Triple H saying that Orton never acted that way around him because he knew that Trips would have had his head. A combination of talent and coming from a wrestling family kept Orton employed despite every story or quote telling us what a nightmare he was backstage.

One part of Orton's life that I'm very surprised they kept on the DVD is his time in the military. He joined the marines in 1998 and hated it. He hated the dehumanising culture of the military, but figured that, after basic training, things would get better. When they didn't, he went AWOL, figuring they'd come after him and throw him out. They didn't, so he returned, was told they didn't want to kick him out, and did everything he could to get out until they court martialled him and he served some time in military prison. Considering the WWE's close relationship with the US military, that they put this part of his life on the DVD is shocking. It paints the military as a place of bullying, a place where a guy like Orton was miserable because of the treatment he received. Obviously, you could make arguments that place the blame on Orton or that things have changed; except no one even comes close to that.

Basically, the honesty of the feature is surprising. They bury 80% of the time Orton was in the company, trash the military, and it makes for good viewing. It made me realise that Orton's career path is very much like Shawn Michaels's in compressed form: he came in, got a big ego, was a nightmare to work with, and, then, settled down a little with his family, realised his spot is secure, and focused more on delivering great matches. Some people have talked about how good Orton was in 2011, how he seemed more focused on in-ring performance than anything else, and I think doing this DVD helped. He was already heading in that direction and doing a project like this is the sort of thing that could have made him think more about his behaviour and spot in the company. He's over. He knows he's over, so why worry about titles and pushes? Why not just go out and deliver great matches?

***

I haven't watched a lot of the matches yet. I've skipped around a little and what really caught my eye was Orton's match against John Cena at Breaking Point in 2009. It was an "I Quit" match for the WWE Championship where Orton would lose the match and the belt if anyone interferred on his behalf. An "I Quit" match is where the only way to win is to make your opponent say "I quit." It's a step beyond a traditional submission match where the only way to win is to make your opponent tap out. Now, tapping out and saying you quit are, basically, the same thing, of course. The thinking is that actually saying you quit is worse -- something that's harder for wrestlers to do. Tapping out is ending the match, but saying you quit is to admit total defeat. It's an act of cowardice in a sense. At least, that's how I always viewed the distinction. And "I Quit" matches have slowly become John Cena's 'match.' Edge has TLC, the Undertaker and Triple H both have Hell in a Cell, and John Cena has "I Quit." His gimmick is one where he doesn't quit. He doesn't give up. He's never lost an "I Quit" match. Logically, any time he has to pick a stipulation for a match, you'd assume he'd choose "I Quit," but that would mean, like, nine of those a year. Still, you see Cena in one of these matches and you know who's winning.

Breaking Point was a PPV that only happened once and was based around submission matches. I've never seen the entire show and didn't hear anything really positive about it. It seemed like your average WWE PPV, either a little above or below average depending on who you talk to. A forgettable show. The Orton/Cena match didn't get a lot of praise either, but it's become one of my favourite matches after seeing it on this DVD set.

As a storytelling medium, the wrestling match is limited. The few times I've discussed wrestling with Tim Callahan, I would defend it, but he was always right in saying that comics have far more options for telling a story and communicating ideas. There are a lot of things wrestling matches can be about, but the most common, obviously, is violence. These are fights -- what else would they be about 99% of the time? Even when other stories are told, they're told through violence. Yet, wrestling doesn't often try to tell stories about violence in a meaningful way -- or to play with the concept of violence. Because it's such an integral part of the text, it rarely becomes subtext.

The Randy Orton/John Cena "I Quit" match is a story about the futility of torture. Because of that, it's actually a fairly unimpressing match on the surface. For 95% of the match, Randy Orton beats the living hell out of John Cena. He uses weapons, he uses handcuffs, and he delivers a ton of punishment. It's an incredibly one-sided match, especially once Orton pulls out the handcuffs and begin slowly torturing Cena. He toys with him by taunting him, by beating on him in a casual 'I can hit you, but you can't hit me' fashion before making it more serious. At one point, he hangs Cena from the ringpost by the handcuffs and hits him repeatedly with a Singapore cane, pausing in between the violence to see if Cena will quit. Once the handcuffs come out, it becomes a torture session where Orton uses violence to try and break Cena's will. Every time Cena refuses, Orton becomes more frustrated and responds with even harsher punishment. That continues until Cena finally escapes the cuffs and mounts an offence of his own. But, that's not enough, because Orton could still take control. It's only when Cena handcuffs himself to Orton and puts Orton in a submission move after Orton tries to obtain the keys (just barely out of reach) that Orton gives up almost immediately.

Orton barely took any punishment, especially compared to the amount of violence Cena endured. But, that's the point: this was a match where the violence didn't actually matter. It was a contest of wills where Cena's ability to stand up under torture eventually broke Orton. Once Cena got the upperhand, even briefly, Orton knew he couldn't win. He had brutalised Cena so much that more violence wouldn't do any good and his only option was to quit, because he knew he couldn't last that long. Orton is the coward who can dish it out, but can't take it -- at least not to the extent that Cena can. Orton tried to torture Cena into quitting and it backfired, and handed Cena a relatively 'easy' victory in how quickly Orton gave up when confronted with opposition. It's a surprisingly smart match with a story that goes beyond the usual sort you see in wrestling. A violent contest designed to make another person bend to your will where the message is that violence is ultimately futile at making someone bend to your will. Fantastic.

Smarkass Reviews: WWE Greatest Superstars of the 21st Century

This may be the most puzzling WWE DVD I've gotten so far. Normally, I don't buy new DVD sets when they come out, preferring to wait until I can buy them cheaper used at some point, but I really wanted the Kurt Angle/Brock Lesnar Iron Man match. And I was in Detroit and spending American money, so it didn't seem like such an expense. Also, I already have the DVD sets for the '80s and '90s; there was an appeal in completing the set. Instead of doing a disc-by-disc review over three posts, I wanted to discuss the entire set, because never have I wondered more what the fuck they were thinking when putting together a DVD set.

There are 20 superstars chosen for the list (although, for the Divas, they spotlight them all even though it's Trish Status on the cover and in the sole Divas match included... still, they included a Divas match, which is suprising) and, for the most part, I agree with their choices. I tend not to get too bent out of shape over lists like this. The only change I would have made would have been to put CM Punk in Kane's spot. That's less a criticism of Kane and more about how much CM Punk did in the second half of the decade (Kane gets bumped because he's probably the weakest choice for the list; really, everyone else deserves the spot more). Now, the WWE could have kept Punk off the list to not ruin his 'Summer of Punk II' angle, but I doubt it.

The first disc contains a feature on the 20 superstars selected, mostly clips, old interviews, and some new comments from other wrestlers. It's not any different from the one they did for the '90s set and that's fine. It's a pleasant thing to watch. Not amazing, but fun, especially for a more casual fan like my girlfriend. It also gives a decent overview of the decade and some of the wrestlers that aren't in the company currently for whatever reason like Kurt Angle, Brock Lesnar, Eddie Guerrero, JBL, and Booker T (who is in the company, but not as a wrestler). What the first disc is missing is any bonus features like promo/non-match segments like the first disc of the '90s set included. You get an hour and forty minutes of the main feature and that's it. The lack of that extra material is noticeable and detracts from the set.

From there, we go to the matches and the first thing I noticed was that everyone on the list is represented... except for "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Jeff Hardy. Neither man is featured in any of the matches. That's got to be an oversight, especially in Austin's case. It's kind of funny: both of those guys were popular/good enough to make the top 20 superstars of the past decade, but neither were worth showing in a match? Wow.

The second thing I noticed was that the final match included is from 2007. What about the final two years of the decade? Nothing noteworthy happened there? That's one of the reasons I would have liked to see CM Punk included on the list: they could have put his TLC match with Jeff Hardy from SummerSlam 2009 at the last match. It's a great match and would have gotten Hardy in a match.

The third thing I noticed was that there are a lot of non-PPV matches and this is something I really like. I know the 'big' matches happen on PPV usually, but PPVs are also on DVD already, while a lot of the stuff from Raw and Smackdown is not. Skewing the match selection towards the television stuff is a smart move. Seven out of twelve matches are from TV and that seems like a good ratio, especially for a set like this where they don't NEED to show any specific match. They can choose random throwaway matches that show two of the guys on the list and that's fine, and they seemed to approach the set with that mentality.

Except, that also meant we get some very strange selections like the third disc starting with two JBL WWE Championship defences... from two straight Smackdown-inclusive pay-per-views. Now, there is some logic to that decision since one matches is a Fatal Fourway and the other is Triple Threat with only JBL as the constant, but there's also the fact that all four men from the Fatal Fourway appear in other matches on the set, so it's not NEEDED to show any of them. The third disc is strange like that. Those two JBL matches come from December 2004 and January 2005 and, then, we get a Triple H/Edge match from February 2005. Later, we get two matches from February 2007 followed by one from April 2007. It's weird grouping that really overrepresents some specific periods.

Not a complaint at all, but something I would have liked to see: since the second disc has the Angle/Lesnar Iron Man match from Smackdown, the third disc should have had the hour-long Shawn Michaels/John Cena match from Raw (that match needs to be put on DVD). Right there, including those two matches would have made this set a must buy... although just including one pretty much made it so. EDIT (10/20/11): I just received the first three-disc Shawn Michaels DVD set and it has this match on it. So... uh... ignore me.

So, there were some odd decisions made in putting this set together, but how were the matches? Let's get to them now...

Match #1: WCW Championship Match - Booker T (C) vs. The Rock (SummerSlam, 08.19.01)
This was part of the whole Invasion storyarc and was a decent little match. Even though Kurt Angle had already won the belt for the WWE, the Rock winning it here was meant as a 'big' moment in the story -- and I guess it would be since, from there, only he and Chris Jericho would hold the title before it was unified with the WWE Championship to become the WWE Undisputed Championship. This match kind of blurs together from big spots, brawling on the outside, and attempts at interference. It was overbooked... I think a bigger moment might have been Booker T/Kurt Angle on Smackdown where Angle won the title.
Winner and NEW WCW Champion: The Rock [**3/4]

Match #2: Intercontinental Championship Match - Rob Van Dam (C) vs. Chris Jericho (Raw, 09.16.02)
This match also suffers from interference, which becomes a common theme. It's like, in choosing the matches, simply representing as many people as possible in the matches themselves wasn't enough, you also need lots of interference to give some guys more screen time. Or, it's a sign that the WWE is more like TNA than any of us want to admit. As you'd expect, an RVD/Jericho match is pretty good. Very quickly-paced with some inventive spots. This was back when RVD was capable of doing things you hadn't seen him do before and working with Jericho basically made that a necessity. I swear to god, he must stand backstage and go "Yeah, but we've seen that already..." to half the spots guys come up with when they're going over their match ahead of time. Because RVD was feuding with Triple H over the world title, he had to get involved and help Jericho win. It's weird to see Triple H and Jericho working together since I tend to view them as natural enemies. (It also happened in the first Elimination Chamber match. The girlfriend and I are in the middle of that DVD set, so it just happened that I saw two examples of the two of them working together around the same time.) A somewhat nice twist here is that Triple H only costs RVD the title because he's a distraction -- RVD spends too much time and energy beating on Trips and Jericho sneaks in and gets the Walls of Jericho on him. After the match, Triple H beat the shit out of RVD.
Winner and NEW WWE Intercontinental Champion: Chris Jericho [***]

Match #3: World Heavyweight Championship Match - Triple H (C) vs. Kane (Raw, 06.23.03)
This was the match that led to Kane unmasking, so that's the reason it's included here. Lots of interference from Ric Flair and Randy Orton to help Triple H retain the belt. Nothing really stands out aside from the paradox of Triple H as a heel needing lots of help to win matches, while Triple H as a face can win while withstanding tons of interference. I know, I know, that's all faces/heels; it stands out to me more with Triple H, because he seems so fucking useless as a heel. I couldn't help but laugh when Eric Bischoff came out, commanded Kane to take off his mask, and Evolution decided to just kick the shit out of Kane some more instead of letting him unmask.
Winner and STILL WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Triple H [**]

Match #4: 60-Minute Iron Man Match for the WWE Championship - Kurt Angle (C) vs. Brock Lesnar (Smackdown, 09.18.03)
The reason for me buying this set -- and why you should as well. This is the entire match including everything that happened during commercial breaks. What I loved about watching this match was how it was so obviously geared towards the stipulation. The match that Angle and Lesnar have here couldn't have been had under ANY other stipulation. It was a story unique to the Iron Man match. Whenever a stipulation is used, I try to watch and see if the match could have been done as a regular match or under any other stipulation -- and, if it could, why bother with the stipulation? Lesnar ducking Angle until he just destroyed him with a chair was fantastic. He purposefully dropped one fall to make Angle so weak that he could pick up a few more. I liked how the first four falls were all won through different means: disqualification, pinfall, submission, and countout. That was a smart way to keep the match from not getting too boring/repetitive at the beginning as Lesnar picked up three quick falls on the completely wrecked Angle. Angle's comeback attempt fit the face/heel dynamic and played into Lesnar's arrogance. Once he got that first pin on the beaten Angle, he obviously assumed he'd won the match already. He assumed that simply destroying Angle with a chair would be enough for him to bank falls and win. That it did shows that the strategy paid off, but Angle put it in doubt. Because Angle had to come back from such a large deficit, the match was compelling throughout. I've heard people say that Iron Man matches drag because you can basically skip to the end where the falls matter more; by having Angle down so much, his comeback was spread out over a greater amount of time and kept the internet high. Simply waiting out the final minutes would mean you missed the insanity of him building momentum and making the comeback -- it wouldn't be nearly as sweet. Lesnar winning was the right call, because the comeback was TOO big to make... but Angle looked good in the process. It wasn't that Lesnar was a better wrestler, it was that he used a cheap (and brilliant) strategy to gain an 'unfair' advantage that even Kurt fucking Angle couldn't completely overcome. Fantastic match and well worth buying this set for.
Winner and NEW WWE Champion: Brock Lesnar [****1/2]

Match #5: WWE Championship Match - Eddie Guerrero (C) vs. Rey Mysterio (Smackdown, 03.18.04)
The first disc ends with this nice little match. Guerrero had just won the belt, I guess, and this was a showcase match basically. Him and Rey just going out there and putting on an entertaining match where the crowd loved both of them. Because he's smart, Guerrero leaned into the heel role a bit, allowing Rey to be the babyface (even though Rey Mysterio is a heel and always has been a heel). Very good chemistry; nothing in this match blew me away, but it ran so smoothly that the entire thing just impresses. Post-match, Paul Heyman says racist things, hypes up the upcoming brand draft, and is fed to the Undertaker by Guerrerio and Mysterio. Good time for all.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: Eddie Guerrero [***1/2]

Match #6: Fatal Fourway for the WWE Championship - JBL (C) vs. the Undertaker vs. Eddie Guerrero vs. Booker T (Armageddon, 12.12.04)
I liked the storytelling of this match. JBL didn't want the match to happen, because his Cabinet was banned from ringside and he figured there was no way he'd win. Guerrero and Booker T decided to work together to take out the other two. The Undertaker is unstoppable and the heavy favourite. Everyone taking turns punching JBL is always good fun as was the Guerrero/Booker alliance falling apart. The Undertaker was built as unstoppable and only lost because of interference from Heidenreich. That allowed JBL to sneak in and retain the title. Not an amazing match from a workrate perspective, but the storytelling was solid. The interference was kind of shitty, though. That's the big weakness in the construction of the match for me. It would have been better for Guerrero and Booker to work together again, take out 'Taker and, then, JBL picks up the pieces of their brawl to determine who will win. Interference is just lazy.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: JBL [**3/4]


Match #7: Triple Threat for the WWE Championship - JBL (C) vs. Kurt Angle vs. the Big Show (Royal Rumble, 01.30.05)
And now a match from the next PPV featuring Smackdown talent! Another JBL title defence where he sneaks out a victory! This match was less entertaining than the previous. The ending was even more stacked with interference and felt anticlimactic. It was weird to see Kurt Angle apparently afraid of the Big Show. I'm not sure I've seen bald Angle afraid of anyone before and it doesn't really work. Some decent spots with the Big Show, but a fairly uninteresting display all around.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: JBL [*1/2]

Match #8: World Heavyweight Championship Match - Triple H (C) vs. Edge (Raw 02.07.05)
This was the first Raw from Tokyo and the Japanese fans definitely give this a different feel. They're a lot quieter during matches -- but their appreciation of technical wrestling seemed to cause Trips and Edge to begin with a few minutes of chain wrestling and holds. It was unexpected and interesting to see (and a reminder that Triple H is better than a lot of people think he is). From there, it became a fairly typical match and ended with a ref bump and interference from Ric Flair and Batista. The post-match celebration continued to build the 'Batista/Triple H for the title at WrestleMania' story as he kept staring at the title until Triple H noticed and backed away.
Winner and STILL WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Triple H [***]

Match #9: Women's Championship Match - Lita (C) vs. Trish Stratus (Unforgiven, 09.17.06)
Trish Stratus's retirement match in Toronto and pretty decent. JR really sold the idea of the history behind this match with Stratus and Lita's past. Some of the spots were a little sloppy, but Lita eventualy gaining dominance and mocking Stratus worked really well. I'm not a fan of Stratus winning the title here since she was leaving. It was a crowd-pleasing moment, but it just meant that the belt was vacated and Lita won it back. Better to have Lita win via cheating and Stratus get the feel good moment after the match.
Winner and NEW WWE Women's Champion: Trish Stratus [**]

Match #10: Triple Threat to Determine WWE Champion John Cena's Opponent at WrestleManania 23 - Shawn Michaels vs. Edge vs. Randy Orton (Raw, 02.05.07)
The original plan for WrestleMania 23 was for Triple H to challenge Cena, but those plans got blown to hell along with Trips' quadricep. So, we're left with his DX partner and the tag team DX has been feuding with. The match had a basic story: Rated RKO doubleteam Michaels until eventually imploding and allowing Michaels to win. It was fine for what it wanted to do, but isn't anything special.
Winner: Shawn Michaels [**1/2]

Match #11: John Cena, Shawn Michaels, Batista & the Undertaker vs. Randy Orton, Edge, MVP & Mr. Kennedy (Raw, 02.15.07)
One of the more puzzling inclusions on the DVD since this isn't a good match. It's not bad either. It's exactly what you'd expect from an eight-man tag where one team are the four men in the two World title matches at WrestleMania. The heels dominate someone, he makes the hot tag, the faces come back, there are some big moves, the faces win. They did change it up a bit with the Undertaker and Batista turning on Michaels and Cena after the match was over. Whatever.
Winners: John Cena, Shawn Michaels, Batista & the Undertaker [**1/4]

Match #12: World Heavyweight Championship Match - Batista (C) vs. the Undertaker (WrestleMania 23, 04.01.07)
My second time seeing this match and it continues to underwhelm me. I just don't get why people like it so much. It seems like it's missing the final third for it to be really great. Batista takes it to the Undertaker, the Undertaker comes back, Batista regains control, the Undertaker makes a big counter and wins. Some spots felt forced and contrived and neither man seemed to get out of second gear. I like how there weren't any slow parts. It was constant action and energy... it still doesn't cohere for a great match.
Winner and NEW WWE World Heavyweight Champion: The Undertaker [***1/2]

And then the DVD is over. Apparently the decade ends at 2007. It's a strange set. It's worth it for the Iron Man match alone and a few others that are a lot of fun -- or for the simple novelty of TV matches not available on DVD. Mostly just a confusing DVD set for some odd decisions by the WWE.

Smarkass Reviews: SummerSlam 2009

It's been a long time since I posted anything here. No good reason for that other than laziness, I suppose. I've been tempted to write about some music, movies, DVDs, books, and so on... but haven't. Shit. Ah well. I'm back and, hopefully, this is something that will continue on beyond this one review of a two-year old WWE PPV that I watched for another purpose completely. However, I have been doing a lot of writing lately for 411mania, including new weekly reviews of Curb Your Enthusiasm season eight. The season premiered this past Sunday, so I've only had one review up. Still, check out my twitter feed for links to future reviews and other writings I do around the internet.

Anyway...

SummerSlam 2009. I got this on DVD for five bucks at Wal-Mart. I haven't seen any cheap PPVs on DVD there since I got this back in the winter, which sucks. Sure, when I have no money, they have many $5 DVDs; when I have money, they dry up. Bullshit. I hadn't actually seen this show before. It came after the local bar where I used to watch WWE PPVs stopped showing them and I realised that going to the movie theatre to watch them was too expensive to do on a regular basis (now, it's not so much a cost thing as a conflict with my work schedule -- though, I will be seeing Money in the Bank on Sunday, because I arranged for the person who works after me on Sunday nights to come in an hour early -- something I've done once before and would like to only do rarely if possible). So, this was all new to me.

Match #1: WWE Intercontinental Championship Match - Rey Mysterio (C) vs. Dolph Ziggler
A strong opening match that reminds me of how motivated Rey was in 2009. Hot off his feud with Chris Jericho and before his 411 'free TV match of the year' with John Morrison, he feuded with Dolph Ziggler over the IC belt and, surprisingly, didn't drop it at all. Here, Mysterio did some pretty cool things that he doesn't bust out all of the time and Ziggler was very responsive, lending himself to some inventive counters. Honestly, this is one of the best Ziggler matches I've seen (before or since). He looked in command and wasn't doing his usual routine as much. It's like, in the wake of the Jericho/Mysterio stuff, it wasn't possible to do the same ol' thing with Rey Rey. This has me curious to see their previous match at Night of Champions.
Winner and STILL WWE Intercontinental Champion: Rey Mysterio [***1/2]

Match #2: Jack Swagger vs. MVP
Remember this feud? It did absolutely nothing for either man and never delivered the sort of match you would expect from the two. This didn't get the necessary time, so it was like watching a highlight video of the full match.
Winner: MVP [**]

Match #3: WWE Unified Tag Team Championship Match - JeriShow (C) vs. Cryme Tyme
The pre-match promo by Jericho was arrogant heel at its best. I remember being so disappointed when Big Show was selected to replace Edge, but, in retrospect, it worked out quite well. Just standing in the ring, these two looked like a team that couldn't be beaten. Technical wrestling at its best and a motherfucking giant! The only thing I remember about the feud with Cryme Tyme was JTG beating Jericho on Smackdown in the run-up to SummerSlam. I didn't like that only because of the way it happened -- I think JTG got in a quick pin after Jericho went for a cover under the ropes and I didn't think that fit with Jericho's character who is far too ring savvy to do something that stupid. Otherwise, I didn't mind JTG getting the win. Jim Ross(!) mention how the Road Warriors won their first WWE Tag Titles at SummerSlam was a nice bit of info that fed into Cryme Tyme never winning any belts. The match itself was decent. Typical Cryme Tyme pattern: JTG gets beat down until making the hot tag to Shad, but they added in a bit with Shad getting beat down only to make the hot tag that changed things up enough. The combination of the Walls of Jericho and the Knockout Punch was a good finish.
Winners and STILL WWE Unified Tag Team Champions: JeriShow [**1/2]

Match #4: Kane vs. the Great Khali
You don't always notice how good Kane is in the ring, but stick him next to the Great Khali and you suddenly can't help but notice how agile and skilled he is. His style doesn't lend itself to impressing fans often, unfortunately. However, he carried this piece of shit of a match. It wasn't good, but it could have been a lot of worse. All of the good parts were because of Kane with Khali looking sluggish and awkward at even the simplest of moves. I must admit, though, that I always enjoy the 'big man tries to Chokeslam another big man only to be goozled by his opponent in return' exchange.
Winner: Kane [1/2*]

Match #5: Degeneration X vs. Legacy
I completely forgot that this was the beginning of the final DX reunion. I have a big soft spot for DX and rather enjoy goofy Shawn and Trips. A lot of people hated their previous reunion along with this one, but I found both entertaining. It's hard not to like two guys who are obviously just having fun goofing around with one another. This match had a really good story: DX hadn't teamed for a long time and Michaels had been out of the ring since WrestleMania, so they couldn't keep up with Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes who had been teaming for two years at that point. Most of the match was DX not getting on the same page, while Rhodes and DiBiase used the most basic of tag team tactics to destroy the veterans. It's surprising how dominant Legacy looked here, countering almost every effort at a comeback Michaels and Triple H could come up with until Trips managed to take out DiBiase on the outside, breaking the rhythm of the duo. There was one spot where Rhodes and DiBiase tag each other in and out every five seconds, just stomping on Trips (or Shawn... I forget) in the corner, making the tag, stomping, tag, stomping, tag, etc. Once the two weren't able to make frequent tags and take advantage of double-teams, things fell apart a little and, eventually, Michaels won the match with Sweet Chin Music that came as a last resort. DX needed to win in their first match back together, but it wasn't a victory that made Legacy look bad. If anything, Legacy came out of this looking great. That wouldn't last, but, right here, it was hard not to look at those two as the best tag team in the WWE.
Winners: Degeneration X [***3/4]

Match #6: ECW Championship Match - Christian (C) vs. William Regal
This wasn't a match with Christian immediately hitting the Killswitch and winning before Regal could take his robe off. Disappointing given how good a match between these two could have been. Why not drop Kane/Khali and give the people something halfway decent?
Winner and STILL ECW Champion: Christian [N/R]

Match #7: WWE Championship Match - Randy Orton (C) vs. John Cena
Watching this match, I couldn't help but admire Randy Orton's skill and concentration. People didn't like him a lot around this period, but are loving him now. How else would he get so good in the ring besides this long period of slow, methodical in-ring movement? I can't imagine how much extra effort it took to always be so slow, so expressive. When he finally turned face, he sped up considerably and you can see him mastering this style in matches like this. The match itself was good until the string of false finishes and restarts that were just plain fucking goofy. I am glad that Orton won in the end, because that's the way it needed to go down: Orton does everything he can to cheat his way to victory only to have it taken away and he still wins (albeit through a different type of cheating). The final five minutes or so of this match killed it, though. Absolutely killed it.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: Randy Orton [**1/4]

Match #8: TLC Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship - Jeff Hardy (C) vs. CM Punk
Ah, the beginning of the Straight Edge Saviour character... is there a better foil for CM Punk when he's playing up his Straight Edge lifestyle than Jeff Hardy? The drugged out fuck up who is more loved than Punk? With Hardy on his way out, the ending to this match was easy to see, but the two men still brought it. Their early work on the outside was rather good with some smart counters and cool moves. The dive off the ladder was insane (though, I could have done without them trying to take Hardy out on a stretcher just so he could get off and prove how 'extreme' he is). The Superplex onto the ladder looked far more painful for CM Punk with Hardy placed to land dead centre, while Punk hit the edge. The finish was good with Punk using kicks to get the advantage on the top of the ladder. The lights flickering as a cue to Punk to make sure Hardy was in position for the Undertaker switch was interesting -- and Punk played that perfectly. A strong ending to the show.
Winner and NEW WWE World Heavyweight Champion: CM Punk [****]

Overall thoughts: A lot of quality in this show. Take away the Kane/Khali and Christan/Regal matches and everything was, at the very least, okay. Three matches were very good, even approaching great, and the rest had their moments. Not a classic show, but one well worth checking out if you have the chance.

Rating: 8.0 (out of 10)

Smarkass Reviews: Brock Lesnar: Here Comes the Pain

I can't remember exactly when I stopped watching wrestling. Sometime in 2000/2001, I think. Nothing specific made me stop, just a general feeling that it was the same old shit over and over again, and I wasn't going to waste my time with that. I never stopped liking wrestling, but I had no interest in it either, if that makes sense. I'd sometimes check it out and enjoy it only to forget about it the next day. I could enjoy watching it when I watched it, I didn't have the desire to watch it. I didn't get back into it until late 2007. So, there's a nice gap there where I missed out on a few things: Evolution, the rise of John Cena, the Invasion storyline, the Smackdown Six, and Brock Lesnar. I have a pretty strong fascination with these things that I missed out on and that led me to getting a copy of the only Brock Lesnar DVD the WWE put out: Here Comes the Pain. It's still a little insane to me that I could miss out on someone like Lesnar, but he was only in the WWE a short time. Everything else I missed, I still had some reference points from either before or after my period of not watching wrestling. I saw the Smackdown Six before they turned that show into a weekly wrestling clinic. I knew Triple H and Ric Flair, and came to know Randy Orton and Batista. I missed the rise of John Cena, but have watched him on top for over three years now. For Lesnar, there's nothing like that. He came and left when I wasn't watching. His matches haven't shown up on many of the DVDs I've purchased (besides this one and the WrestleManias I have, I think he only shows up on The Best of Smackdown (and not wrestling) and The History of the WWE Championship). He's pretty much a mystery to me beyond stories I've heard or things I've read.

This DVD was released at the same time as a VHS version that contained only the hour-long documentary feature. Thankfully, the DVD contains some matches. But, this also only covers up until its release in 2003, so it's not exactly a great overview. For my purposes, it did its job and gave me a good glimpse of the Next Big Thing. I watched the matches first since I knew Michelle would want to want the documentary feature and she wasn't able to until the evening.

Match #1: #1 Contender for the WWE Undisputed Championship Match - Brock Lesnar vs. "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan (Smackdown, 08.08.02)
Not so much a match as a slaughter and a way to make Brock Lesnar seem unstoppable. Put him up against one of the biggest icons in the business and just kill him. Not that Hogan didn't get some shots in, hitting some boots to the face and a leg drop that Lesnar got to kick out of, but any offence by Hogan was there for the purpose of Lesnar overcoming it and, then, killing Hogan. There was also the story of Lesnar hurting himself with his overconfidence, his playing to the crowd, and taking too much time to gloat. It's a theme that crops up a little bit in the other matches. Given that he's only debuted five months previously, he was still a newcomer and that overconfidence after such dominance made sense. The finish of the F5 and, then, the Brock Lock bear hug was the capper. He could have won with the F5 but wanted to utterly destroy Hogan. He even want back and nailed him with a chair after the match. Like I said, not a technical masterpiece, but it does the job of making Lesnar look like an unstoppable monster.
Winner: Brock Lesnar [**]

Match #2: WWE Undisputed Championship Match - The Rock (C) vs Brock Lesnar (SummerSlam, 08.24.02
I watched this match a few months ago on The History of the WWE Championship DVD set, but rewatched it here with Michelle since she hadn't seen it, and I thought it would be a good intro to Lesnar -- and she's been digging the Rock lately because of his involvement with the WWE, so that's an added bonus. Like her, I love the beginning with the Rock laying the belt down, doing a little jogging on the spot to mimic Lesnar in the ring, and then sprinting to kick the crap out of this young punk. Some good storytelling here with the involvement of Paul Heyman. Lesnar was the monster heel that doesn't need to cheat to win... but does anyway. I love the dominant heel, because that gets better heat than the regular chickenshit variety. There's satisfcation in seeing a chickenshit coward heel get his comeuppance, but that pales in comparison to a face finally besting a heel that is legitimately better than everyone else. You hate that sort of heel not just because he's a heel, but because he's right when he says he's the best and you can't deny it. Heyman helping Lesnar isn't necessary for Lesnar to win, it gets him over even more. Here, the Rock kept coming back from whatever Lesnar gave him, even controlling a big part of the match. He made sure that Lesnar didn't just steamroll over him, Lesnar earned the win here by kicking out of a Rock Bottom, delivering his own (B)Rock Bottom, and an F5 to put the Rock away. Lesnar looked decent here, but the Rock carried this a bit for me. His mannerisms and selling made Lesnar look so much better. This is how a first-time WWE Champion should look when he wins.
Winner and NEW WWE Undisputed Champion: Brock Lesnar [***1/2]

Match #3: Hell in a Cell Match for the WWE Championship - Brock Lesnar (C) vs. the Undertaker (No Mercy, 10.20.02)
There were some problems with this match like the on-and-off psychology surrounding the Undertaker's supposedly broken right hand. It came into play quite a bit, but was conveniently forgotten any time the Undertaker had to, you know, use his hands. Still, this match had a lot going for it and I couldn't help but get swept up in the spectacle and emotion of it. Lesnar getting nervous quickly about being trapped was a great touch to play on his inexperience and that panic a rookie might feel in the same situation, WWE Champion or not. Paul Heyman's involvement really helped here with his constant comments and shouting, the spot with the Undertaker ramming him into the cage by pulling his tie through an opening, and, then, him holding the belt that Lesnar tied around the Undertaker's hand while Lesnar hit it with a chair. Heyman added that extra flavour as a cheerleader. Between Lesnar and the Undertaker, they managed to craft a good match by playing into the psychology of the veteran/rookie confrontation. Any time Lesnar got the upperhand, he would make some stupid mistake like gloating too much and the Undertaker would take advantage. Still, Lesnar was quicker and stronger and wouldn't stay down. The blood was just... nasty. The Undertaker was gushing blood. I told Michelle she would have hated it since she's not a blood fan and seeing the Undertaker so covered is shocking. Honestly, this match is a good argument for the use of blood since it came at the right time (Lesnar split open early on but not too bad) to ramp the match up that extra bit. I'd never seen the Undertaker this bloody, this seemingly broken down, and that made Lesnar look that much better. He did that to the Undertaker and that's almost better than winning the match. Plenty of people have beat the Undertaker -- how many made him such a mess? How many left his face covered with blood? This match made Lesnar for me.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: Brock Lesnar [****]

Match #4: WWE Championship Match - Kurt Angle (C) vs. Brock Lesnar (WrestleMania XIX, 03.30.03
This match suffers from the finish. That's fucking brutal to watch and killed any enthusiasm/enjoyment I had until then. Up until the finish, this was the strongest wrestling match on the DVD so far. Angle and Lesnar trading amateur wrestling holds at first until Lesnar couldn't quite keep up and went to a more power-based game, something Angle couldn't best him at. That put over both men: no one can touch Kurt Angle on the mat, but even Angle can't stop the monster than is Brock fucking Lesnar. Angle used every fucking hold he could think of and Lesnar always got out, and planted Angle on the mat. Very good story that showcased both men excellently. The finish with Lesnar hitting a second F5 and victory just a pinfall away only for him to attempt a Shooting Star Press with Angle 2/3s of the way across the ring is awful to watch. Lesnar doesn't even come close to making it after his legs buckle a little bit. It was a stupid thing to try with Angle so far away. I'm not sure what the finish was meant to be (probably him winning after hitting that) and the announcers tried to play it off as Angle rolling out of the way. Anyway, Lesnar wound up winning and looked so fucking out of it. He and Angle shaking hands to end the show was a nice moment, not one that could overcome the Next Big Thing falling flat on his face, though.
Winner and NEW WWE Champion: Brock Lesnar [****]

Match #5: Stretcher Match for the WWE Championship - Brock Lesnar (C) vs. the Big Show (Judgment Day, 05.18.03)
The first modern Stretcher Match apparently. I've only ever really liked one Stretcher Match and that was Batista/Shawn Michaels at Extreme Rules 2008. Chris Jericho's involvement helped make that match damned entertaining with Batista killing Michaels and Jericho not letting the Animal actually win until Michaels ate far more punishment. This one had the interesting story of the Big Show being too big for a stretcher. The spot with Lesnar using a lighting/tv cable to choke the Big Show out and, then, it preventing him from getting the Big Show across the line on the stretcher was good. The finish with the forklift was just ridiculous. Stupid and entertaining at the same time. This was more a fun/throwaway match than a good one.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: Brock Lesnar [**1/2]

Match #6: WWE Championship Match - Brock Lesnar (C) vs. the Big Show (Smackdown, 06.12.03)
Included for the finishing spot of Lesnar Superplexing the Big Show off the top rope and the ring collapsing. That's pretty awesome to see no matter how many times you do. Everything before that was pretty average and forgettable.
Result: No contest [**]

The documentary provided some background on his life pre-WWE and, then, basically went into little rundowns of his big feuds/matches with some commentary from the likes of Paul Heyman, Michael Hayes, Kurt Angle, Big Show, Gerald Brisco, and others thrown in. It was kind of funny to watch since they kept shifting between discussing things in reality and kayfabe. It was a weird blending of the two. The matches they chose definitely complemented what we saw here, though I wish they'd given us the Lesnar/Cena match from Backlash. I would say that if I'd rated the matches above after watching this documentary stuff, I would have rated them all a little higher, that's how well they talked things up. Entertaining. What it really missed was Lesnar. After his pre-WWE time was covered, he didn't add anything, and that's a shame. I always like hearing what guys have to say about their matches.

We get, basically, the first year of Lesnar's career here and he shows a lot of skill and potential to be great. I don't know how much further he developed in his remaining time with the WWE, but he definitely could have progressed to be one of the greats. He had speed and strength, some solid mat-wrestling foundation, and a fantastic look. I hope the WWE eventually does a set that covers his entire career with them, because I'd like to see more of his work.

Smarkass Reviews: WWE The Bash 2009

One of the two more recent WWE PPVs that I got at Wal-Mart for five dollars each, the Bash also has the distinction of being the first PPV I didn't see at the time after a long string of seeing all of them. I think I'd seen every PPV since missing Armageddon in 2007. My former roommate, Adam, and I (and others) would go to a local bar that showed the PPVs, a tradition I continued after Adam left town. That was until certain circumstances prevented the bar from showing PPVs anymore. The last one Michelle and I saw there was Backlash '09 and, then, we saw Extreme Rules '09 at a local movie theatre. But, for the cost, it didn't seem worth it except for specific PPVs that looked like they would be worth it. So, that meant missing the Bash that year and, now, I've finally seen it. Was it worth the wait?

Match #1: Championship Scramble for the ECW Title - Tommy Dreamer (C) vs. Christian vs. Jack Swagger vs. Finlay vs. Mark Henry
I actually like the Championship Scramble match concept: you start with two guys and, then, every five minutes, another wrestler enters the match until the fifth one comes in. After that, a five-minute countdown starts until the end of the match. At the end of the match, whoever scored the last pinfall or submission is the champion. Technically, after you've scored a pinfall or submission, you're considered the current champion (but it's not an official reign). It's a cool idea and leads to some interesting moments like the WWE Championship Scramble match where The Brian Kendrick was the champ for a few minutes. But, it's also a bit of an oddball concept, so I can see why they haven't used it since this match. Christian and Jack Swagger started things off, and that was good. It's weird to see how far Swagger's come since this point in time. Less than a year later, he'd be the World Heavyweight Champion and is definitely better in the ring now. But, a lot of that talent was already there. When Finlay entered, he came running to the ring and I lamented the lack of his old entrance theme that began with his voice proclaiming "My name is Finlay and I love to fight!" It would have been much more appropriate. The action in this match was good. Swagger got two pinfalls, Henry one, and Dreamer the last one. Dreamer leaving with the belt was so surprising that even he looked shocked that it happened. As far as an opening match goes, this was a smart choice. Granted, the crowd felt a little different. The silence during the Swagger/Christian part of the match was noticeable.
Winner and STILL ECW Champion: Tommy Dreamer [***]

Match #2: Intercontinental Championship vs. Mask Match - Chris Jericho (C) vs. Rey Mysterio
I always lamented never seeing this match, the third one in their trilogy of bouts in 2009 and, according to everyone, the best of the three. And they were right. What impressed me most about their second match, at Extreme Rules, was how it built on their first. Spots and moves weren't repeated with success, they were countered. Both men looked like professionals at the top of their game, able to learn from what happened before, and adapt on the spot. The fact that certain guys are able to do the same spots in the same order with success much of the time is something that I've never liked about wrestling. I'm sorry, but if you don't know the Attitude Adjustment is coming after the Five-Knuckle Shuffle, where have you been? COUNTER THAT MOTHERFUCKER, IDIOT! I know that the routine is integral to some, but I'd always prefer to see a match where it looks like both men have actually watched a wrestling match before. This match was one of those where it wasn't just move-countermove, it was move-countermove-countermove. It was one of the smartest in-ring work I've ever seen. Even the seemingly gimmicky finish of Rey Rey having a second mask on didn't come off that way -- it was another counter since Jericho won their last match by unmasking Mysterio and completely throwing him off his game. My favourite spot, though, was Jericho faking that the 619 landed near the end so he could lull Mysterio into doing a jump off the ropes and catch him, putting him into the Walls of Jericho. Definitely the high point of this PPV and, from what happens later, I know why they put it on second, but, really, they expected people to follow this match? After the Undertaker/Michaels at WrestleMania, it was the second-best WWE match of the year, easily.
Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Rey Mysterio [****3/4]

Match #3: No Disqualification Match - Dolph Ziggler vs. The Great Khali
Remember when Dolph Ziggler first showed up and did that "Hi, I'm Dolph Ziggler" gimmick? And now he's the #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Championship. Did anyone see that coming then? This was the culmination of Ziggler's feud with Khali where Ziggler continued to outsmart the giant and walk away with victories (or, at least, leave the giant beaten and bruised). This match was shit. For the record, I'm pretty sure that being seven feet tall doesn't make punching a ringpost hurt any less. This was really the beginning of a Kane/Khali feud with Ziggler winning after Kane came down and beat the shit out of Khali with a chair. Whatever.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler [*]

Match #4: Unified Tag Team Championship Match - The Colons (C) vs. Priceless vs. Edge & Chris Jericho
This match became a triple threat match with Edge and Jericho added because of a story involving Smackdown General Manager Teddy Long being put on probation for not being innovative enough for Mr. McMahon's tastes. So, he threw in Edge and Jericho, which just pissed off the other four guys. So, the story of this match became the Colons and Priceless trying to have their match without ever allowing Edge and Jericho to enter (since tag matches with more than two teams still only have two men in the ring, leaving the extra teams on the apron, possibly never able to legally win the match). The couple of times where they managed to get in, they'd make the mistake of getting too close to one of the other corners and immediately tagged out. In the end, they managed to win after the match became a bit of a clusterfuck. Sadly, the Edge and Jericho team didn't last long once Edge suffered a torn Achilles heel. Still, a decent match with a cool story.
Winners and NEW Unified Tag Team Champions: Edge and Chris Jericho [**]

Match #5: Women's Championship Match - Melina (C) vs. Michelle McCool
We fast-forwarded through this.
Winner and NEW Women's Champion: Michelle McCool [N/A]

Match #6: World Heavyweight Championship Match - CM Punk (C) vs. Jeff Hardy
The beginning of Punk's heel turn after cashing in Money in the Bank on Hardy. This match wasn't as good as you'd expect given the two guys involved. Some nice spots, but not conhesive really. Neither guy seemed on the same page entirely. Maybe it was both men trying to wrestle as faces. Sometimes that dynamic doesn't work -- and Punk hadn't turned heel yet. I loved the false finish where Hardy thought he'd won, but the ref noticed Punk's leg was under the ropes after he'd counted the pin. It worked with the feud: Punk was technically in the right when he cashed in his Money in the Bank contract and, technically, Hardy didn't win here. Of course, I did enjoy the idea of Hardy, seemingly a face with lots of tenacity, being portrayed as a whiner for this entire storyline. The actual finish where Hardy went nuts on Punk, injuring his eye, so Punk kicked the ref was... meh. It was meant to be Punk couldn't see, so he didn't know who he was kicking -- but we see the small smile he gets as he walks away. The only thing is that the excuse that Punk couldn't see who he was kicking was just lame. It wasn't staged well. But, this is the beginnings of Punk turning heel, which was awesome. Also, the end of Hardy in the WWE.
Winner but NOT new World Heavyweight Champion: Jeff Hardy [**3/4]

Match #7: John Cena vs. the Miz
Like Ziggler and Swagger, the Miz has come a long way since this PPV. He's also become a lot more polished. What I noticed most from the recap video package was how calmer he is on the mic. The personality is the same, but he's slowed it down a little and is much more at ease. He's not trying so hard (or, more accurately, it doesn't look like he's trying so hard). This match was a squash. The Miz barely got in any offence and Cena just beat the shit out of him. Ah well.
Winner: John Cena [*1/2]

Match #8: Three Stages of Hell Match for the WWE Championship - Randy Orton (C) vs. Triple H
And we end things with an odd match. This is a two-out-of-three falls match where the first fall is a regular match, the second is a Falls Count Anywhere match, and the third is a Stretcher match. Now, I've only ever seen one Stretcher match that I'd want to see again and that was the one from Extreme Rules 2008 between Batista and Shawn Michaels -- and that's because of Chris Jericho's involvement, which was done in a way that only worked with a Stretcher match. Here, the Stretcher match doesn't follow any progression. A good progression for this sort of match: No DQ fall, Falls Count Anywhere fall, and, then, Last Man Standing to finish it off. See how that works? Here, it's disjointed. But, that was this storyline all over. It built to Orton winning the belt at WrestleMania... except Triple H retained and Orton won it at Backlash the following month. They just couldn't get things right here. I did like the way the first two falls ended: the first one had Triple H get disqualified when he attacked Orton with a chair, viciously beating him and, then, hitting a Pedigree on the floor to win the second fall. It was a good strategy, especially since Orton seemed so dead that rolling him past the line on a stretcher wouldn't be too difficult. From there, it was your standard hardcore match with a stretcher. Nothing too special. Rhodes and DiBiase helped Orton retain the belt. This would lead to Triple H finding Shawn Michaels to reunite DX since Trips couldn't handle the numbers game of fighting all of Legacy. A mediocre finish to a mediocre PPV.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: Randy Orton [**1/2]

Overall Show Rating: 5.0 (out of 10)

Smarkass Reviews: WWE New Year's Revolution 2007

We watched this on New Year's Eve. It seemed fitting. While out that day at Wal-Mart, I came across a few more five dollar WWE pay-per-view DVDs and how am I to resist such a deal? The other two are from 2009 surprisingly. Quicker and quicker to the discount bin? I'll take it. I was curious to see New Year's Revolution because I have The New and Improved DX DVD set, which showed us pretty much every moment of the 2006 reunion of Degeneration X... concluding with the Survivor Series from that year. Except, DX didn't break up there, they continued as a unit for another month or so, right up through New Year's Revolution where Triple H tore his quad, ending the duo's reunion. I can understand wanting to end the DVD on the high note of the Suvivor Series where DX, the Hardys, and CM Punk won their match without a single elimination. It's a much better ending than 'and then it all stopped because Triple H tore his quad doing a spinebuster.' That doesn't mean I don't want to see it, though. So, Michelle and I killed two and a half hours on New Year's Eve watching this.

Match #1: Steel Cage Match for the Intercontinental Championship -- Jeff Hardy (C) vs. Johnny Nitro
A great choice to open the show. The story going into this is that Nitro (now John Morrison for those who don't know) had been IC champ twice in the past, both reigns ended by Jeff Hardy. So, Nitro wants the belt, Hardy has it, and we get a steel cage match. Michelle said that this is the best steel cage match she's seen, but she hasn't seen a lot. It wasn't bad, it was energetic and had some cool spots. It also had some laboured parts where the match should have ended if you thought about it for more than few seconds. Oddly, none of the usual 'Jeff Hardy could win but decides to jump off the top of the cage instead' moments. Nitro was more mat-based than he is now and I couldn't help but wonder how much better this match would be now. Not a fair judgement, I know, but it's what I was thinking. Some of the parts I liked were Melina using her belt to whip Hardy's hands when he tried to climb the cage and a spot where Hardy tried to pull Nitro down, but Nitro hooked his feet in at the top of the cage and Hardy just fell hard to the mat. The finish was the best part of the match with Nitro trying to escape over the top and use his foot to keep the door shut after Melina failed until Hardy kicked it open and crotched Nitro in the process. It was different.
Winner and STILL Intercontinental Champion: Jeff Hardy [***]

Match #2: Tag-Team Turmoil -- The Highlanders vs. the World's Greatest Tag Team / The World's Greatest Tag Team vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan & Super Crazy / The World's Greatest Tag Team vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch / Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. Cryme Tyme
This is a gauntlet-style match where two teams begin and every time a team is defeated, another comes out until there are no more, and the final winning team would get a future title shot. This whole thing was fine and was billed as a 'bonus' match (aka added to the card to fill time the night of the show). It felt a little long in spots. The initial match between the Highlanders (remember them?) and the World's Greatest Tag Team (Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas) just kind of kept going. It made the Highlanders look stronger than they should have, but sold the idea of the WGTT being weaker as things went on since... come on, son, look at them and then look at the other teams here. There's a reason they had that name. Only Cade and Murdoch seemed to be in their league. The stuff with the WGTT followed a pattern: first match it was both, second match it was Haas, third match it was Benjamin. They also won the first two matches by cheating the same way, so losing when that didn't work/was countered made sense. It coming down to Cade & Murdoch and Cryme Tyme had me thinking Cade and Murdoch would win, but no. It was your typical Cryme Tyme match that they never outgrew or changed up aside from the result: JTG gets beat down, Shad makes hot tag and clears house. I would have rather saw the World's Greatest Tag Team go through everyone until Cade & Murdoch, and had that finish things. But, whatever. Nothing was too bad and I won't complain about seeing Benjamin, Haas, Cade, and Murdoch in the same ring... even if it's only for a part of a larger match.
Winners: Cryme Tyme [**]

Match #3: Ric Flair vs. Kenny Dykstra
When the Spirit Squad broke up, Kenny was the guy they decided to push and that made sense to a degree. He was athletic and could do some big jumps off the top rope. Why not him? This match was part of trying to get him over by having him feud with Ric Flair. Flair had done the same for a few other guys before this, so, again, why not? It didn't work and this match shows why. They had Dykstra try to gain heat by imitating Flair. He came out in a robe, he did the strut, he tried to use the Figure Four... except Dykstra had no charisma. Or, to be less nasty, he didn't have the 'Slick Ric' charisma. That wasn't him. It just looked kind of sad. To put things in perspective: AJ Styles was better at doing Ric Flair than Dykstra is. He wasn't suited to the role and the match suffered as a result. If they let Dykstra be himself a bit more, the storytelling could have been better. When he got to do his thing, the match was at its best. Seeing him jump to the top rope effortlessly is pretty cool. The finish where he nailed Flair with a ball shot was a play on Flair's own use of the move and just sort of ended the match out of nowhere. That would be a recurring theme.
Winner: Kenny Dykstra [*3/4]

Match #4: Women's Championship Match -- Mickie James (C) vs. Victoria
Prior to this, Victoria had been taking out Divas and checking their names off a list she was carrying. Before the match, she tried to get Melina to help her by promising her the first title shot if she made sure Victoria walked away champion. Weird to see this match given that this feud just happened again at TNA. Is TNA four years behind the times? Oh ho ho. This was a pretty decent women's match. James was more energetic here than I can remember seeing anytime recently. Not as polished, but more energetic. Melina did try to help, but, then, all of the face Divas came down and beat her up, siding with James. Mickie won and it was fine.
Winner and STILL Women's Champion: Mickie James [*1/2]

Match #5: World Tag Team Championship Match -- Rated RKO (C) vs. Degeneration X
Ah, the match I was waiting for. This one became a brutal, bloody mess by the end, and it's a really big shame that Trips got hurt, because I would have loved to see this followed up on immediately. The match was your standard tag match with a few bits of blood until it took a nasty turn. First, Trips tore his quad doing a spinebuster... and continued the match. It took a slightly downturn after the injury because no one knew what to do. Some people give guys props for continuing on when hurt like this. I tend to take the longview approach that continuing to work when injured is just stupid. End the match in a timely fashion and don't risk making things worse. I will give Triple H credit in that he noticeably did things to avoid doing further damage to his leg like basically twisting while doing the Pedigree so he landed on his other side. But, this match just sort of devolved by the end with Shawn Michaels taking out the ref and Edge and Orton both horribly bloodied. Orton especially. He was COVERED and openly spurting blood from his head. Nasty blade job. The whole thing ended with Triple H pedigreeing Edge on the announce desk, while Michaels delivered an elbow drop off the top rope onto the Spanish announce desk where Orton was. There was no bell, but it was clear that DX took the DQ. An odd match that is both impressive and a little hard to watch when you look at it in the larger context of its time.
Winners and STILL World Tag Team Champions (vis disqualification): Rated RKO [***]

Match #6: Chris Masters vs. Carlito
A little nothing feud and nothing match. Masters is better now, but Carlito didn't seem to care too much. He did do the two-rope springboard that always looks awesome, but otherwise? This was just a filler between the two big matches on the card. It suffered from a surprising out of nowhere win that just stopped the match and didn't feel organic in any way.
Winner: Chris Masters [*1/2]

Match #7: WWE Championship Match -- John Cena (C) vs. Umaga
Going into this, Umaga was basically unstoppable and had never been pinned or made to submit (not sure if he was undefeated entirely -- he may have suffered DQ losses). This match was John Cena getting the shit kicked out of him for 15 minutes with every attempt at offence either failing or doing almost nothing. Umaga would get knocked down and before Cena was up after hitting the move, Umaga was on his feet and charging. During the match, Jim Ross made a comparison between Umaga and Yokozuna that made my eyes roll, because Umaga was so quick and agile. I still hate that he was saddled with this gimmick -- if he had a more 'normal' character, he could have been a consistent main eventer. He had power and speed. I don't know... he was always a guy who really impressed me in the ring for his ability to do almost anything and do it well. You don't see many big guys with his speed and agility and it seemed wasted on a one-note monster sort of character. This match was pretty good. It was a long squash match in many ways with Cena barely holding on and, eventually, picking up the win by a quick roll-up that happened to work. He didn't so much win as get lucky that he survived. Apparently, their rematch at the Royal Rumble was even better. Since I knew that match happened, I expected Umaga to lose via disqualification here. The squeaker of a win was a better choice, because Cena got to walk away with some pride... but that empty kind where everyone (including him) knows that he didn't earn the win really. He got lucky.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: John Cena [**3/4]

This PPV shows off why the brand extension isn't taken too seriously by the WWE anymore. You think cards now are empty and mostly filler? Take a look at this one! It's nice to see midcarders get to work PPVs, but this was a two, maybe three, match show. The other matches were good for the most part, but, aside from the opener, the DX/Rated RKO, and WWE Championship matches, does anyone care? And no one in those other matches made us care here. A middling, mediocre show. But, hey, at five bucks, I'm not complaining.

Show Rating: 5.0 (out of 10)

King of the Ring 2010 Predictions

Tonight is the King of the Ring tournament for 2010. Technically, it's happening live right now, but, here in Canada, it won't be on for another hour since the Score didn't want to alter their regular programming schedule. The WWE put up the brackets today, so I figured I'd give my predictions:

1st Round
* John Morrison vs. "Dashing" Cody Rhodes: This is a tough one as I could see both men going past the first round against other opponents. Part of figuring out who will advance is looking at who they would possibly be facing in the 2nd round. I'd rather see "Dashing" Cody Rhodes go over, but John Morrison seems more likely. Winner: "Dashing" Cody Rhodes
* Daniel Bryan vs. Alberto Del Rio: Another tough one, but I'd rather see Del Rio advance since Bryan doesn't need the victory as much. Winner: Alberto Del Rio
* Ezekiel Jackson vs. Drew McIntyre: Wow. I look at the first two match-ups and I see two competitive matches where I wouldn't mind any of the guys advancing. Here, I see the 'Chosen One' who hasn't done shit and a muscle-bound freak that, if he won, would basically be King Mabel II. Winner: Ezekiel Jackson
* Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus: This could be a decent match, but Kingston is here to make Sheamus look good. Winner: Sheamus

2nd Round (they gave the brackets for this)
* "Dashing" Cody Rhodes vs. Alberto Del Rio: I can see Del Rio making it to the finals, but would definitely rather see Rhodes keep advancing. Winner: "Dashing" Cody Rhodes
* Ezekiel Jackson vs. Sheamus: If there's anyone the WWE could have beat Jackson without making him look too weak in this tournament, it's Sheamus. Both men are power-based, so the former WWE champ going over isn't a big blow. Plus, this could be another way to play off Sheamus as weakened by the tournament for the finals. Winner: Sheamus

Finals
* "Dashing" Cody Rhodes vs. Sheamus: I'm of two minds here. I think winning the King of the Ring could work well for Sheamus. I would have him win and, immediately, Triple H's King of Kings music hits, suggesting that he'll finally come back to get revenge, playing off that nickname and being a past King of the Ring. But, no, Sheamus gets on the mic and laughs at us, saying that that is now his music, because he retired Triple H and won the King of the Ring, making him the true King of Kings. But, that seems a little... well, outside of what the WWE would book. So, unless they're going to use this as a way toa dvance Sheamus/Triple H, why bother? Besides, "Dashing" Cody Rhodes as King would be fantastic. Winner and the 2010 King of the Ring: "Dashing" Cody Rhodes

Let's see how wrong I am...

Smarkass Comments: WWE Smackdown 10.08.10

Before getting into the second episode of Smackdown on SyFy, I want to direct your attention to 411mania where some changes in my writing duties have occurred. Previously, I was co-writing the High Road/Low Road column with Sat, doing the TNA Impact 4Rs, and overseeing the TNA PPV roundtable previews. High Road/Low Road and the TNA PPV roundtable remain the same, but I'm now doing an Instant Analysis of TNA Impact and the WWE Monday Night Raw 4Rs. In addition, I'll also be doing the WWE Superstars 4Rs. So, if you like my writing about wrestling, there's more of it each and every week. If you don't... why are you reading this post at all?

As for this week's Smackdown, I'll handle it in a random thought style as I watch (well, starting around half an hour into the show on the midnight replay on the Score...):

* Edge returns to Smackdown and what else returns? His awesome jacket! Hell yes! His match with Jack Swagger was better than their bout at Hell in a Cell. Edge was really working his ass off to do some different and innovative offence. Good exchange at the end, leading into Edge's win. If they keep improving with each encounter, this feud could make both men look fantastic.

* Missed the Divas match, wanting to catch the end of South Park. I stand by my choice.

* The Big Show stuff with Hornswoggle and the Dudebusters? Awful.

* "Dashing" Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre vs. Kaval & Kofi Kingston was decent. That's a feud I wouldn't mind seeing more of, honestly. The match, though, was too short.

* The Kane/Paul Bearer promo was standard stuff for this feud with the Undertaker. Nothing special, but well done overall. A little over halfway through the show and it's been a two-segment show (and those two segments featured one match...). A pretty weak episode.

* I'm tired and kind of want to go to sleep.

* I have been enjoying the clips of previous Rey Mysterio/Alberto del Rio encounters. Good way to build to their match.

* Line of the night courtesy of Todd Grisham: "MVP's got gold: he's a baller."

* During the commercial, turned it to the Giants/Braves game to watch Ankiel hit a pretty awesome home run. Out of the park and into the water!

* Dolph Ziggler/MVP for the IC belt was a dull affair that was more about the Dolph/Vickie/Kaitlyn story than the match itself. And that's a story I don't care about. I like Kaitlyn well enough, but whatever.

* Soooooooooo tired...

* The Rey Mysterio/Alberto del Rio match was good. Rare to see Mysterio so dominant in a match. del Rio looked more like a rookie, albeit with some decent offence, but that's fine against a two-time world champ like Rey Rey. I'm just happy to see Mysterio not using his typical hit-and-run offence and changing things up when the situation calls for it.

Overall, not a strong episode. The bookending matches were really good, though.

Smarkass Comments: Impact/Smackdown Similarity

Don't have much to say about this week's Smackdown besides liking it in general, while you can read my thoughts on Impact over at 411mania. But, I did have a quick thought about the two shows this week and a similar structure with their beginning and end segments.

Smackdown used current World Heavyweight Champion Kane in both the opening and closing segments of the show. The show began with a match between him and Chris Masters, closing with a promo segment involving the Undertaker and the return of Paul Bearer.

Impact used Abyss in both the opening and closing segments of the show. The show began with a match between him and Rob Terry, closing with a promo segment involving Rob Van Dam and an unconscious/beaten up Jeff Hardy.

Kane is giant, dominating monster often involved in ludicrous and inane stories, including his current feud with the Undertaker depending on who you ask (I really like it myself).

Abyss is a fairly big, dominating guy nicknamed the Monster often involved in ludicrous and inane stories, including his current feud with Rob Van Dam, his brandishing of a two-by-four with nails in it that he calls Janice, and his obsession with a mysterious 'They' that are telling him way to do... and pretty much everyone seems to hate that one.

Chris Masters is a musclebound wrestler hired more his look than abilities, which are sorely lacking compared to the rest of the roster.

Rob Terry is a musclebound wrestler hired more his look than abilities, which are sorely lacking compared to the rest of the roster.

Kane has shown dominance over a top-tiered wrestler, the Undertaker, by attacking him backstage to weaken him and keep him out of competition for a couple of months... but the Undertaker seems prepared to bring the fight to Kane at the next PPV even though he doesn't seem 100% yet.

Abyss has shown dominance over a top-tiered wrestler, Rob Van Dam, by attacking him backstage to weaken him and keep him out of competition for nearly a couple of months... but RVD seems prepared to bring the fight to Abyss at the next PPV even though he doesn't seem 100% yet.

The Undertaker being taken out of action was the result of an injury to his orbital bone and this story was crafted around creating an explanation for his absence. In the process, the Undertaker lost a shot to win the World Heavyweight Champion. His replacement, Rey Mysterio, won the belt and, then, lost it to Kane.

Rob Van Dam being taken out of action was the result of his contract status with TNA that limits his number of appearances. In the process, he vacated the TNA World Heavyweight Championship and the new champion is being determined through a tournament that will end at the next PPV... where RVD will also return to simply fight Abyss.

The Kane/Chris Masters match was surprisingly decent.

The Abyss/Rob Terry match was pretty fucking bad.

The promo segment to close Smackdown advanced the story well and reintroduced a person from previous feuds between the Undertaker and Kane.

The promo segment to close Impact... um, had people doing stuff that added nothing to the story.

I found the similarities in broad concepts interesting and the executions even more so, because there really was a disparity. (On another note, after rewriting Raw as if it were booked by TNA, I wanted to rewrite Impact as if it were booked by the WWE, but, honestly, couldn't think of a way to do it. I guess this little comparison shows some of what I would have changed with Impact to make it more like the WWE...)

Smarkass Comments: NXT 09.21.10

Watching the third episode of NXT Season 3, Michelle and I both wondered what the point of this is. The quality has devolved to the point where the people watching it on TV shit on what's happening, the critics shit on what's happening, the live audience shits on what's happening, the announcers shit on what's happening, and even the performers shit on what's happening. The message is loud and clear: this show is rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreally fucking bad and the WWE knows it. So, why is it continuing on this path instead of switching to become something better? Why not try to improve things? Some have speculated that since NXT is on its way out, losing its TV deal when Smackdown switches to SyFy (the current home of NXT) next week, that the WWE is going to bury it on its way out. It didn't fail because the WWE couldn't sell it, it failed because it just didn't work no matter what they tried. I don't quite grasp the logic either, but it's hard to know what's going in Vince McMahon's head.

Personally, I don't buy that argument anyway. Why bury your show? Then again, I can't really think of a better reason for why the show is so goddamn bad. It's like they took the worst parts of the previous two NXT seasons (lame competitions/segments, unpolished/bad wrestlers) and lost the good parts (experienced/quality wrestlers, good use of the pros at times). It's baffling. While the truth behind what's going on at TNA right now would be a fascinating story, I would honestly be more interested in finding out the thinking behind NXT at this point. At least TNA tries to sell Impact as quality -- the WWE has given up on making NXT seem good. It's just a giant turd that they're stuck with for now and they've accepted that. Hell, they've embraced that and decided to let everyone know that they know.

A few random thoughts:

* CM Punk had a few good lines, but was pretty restrained.

* Um, if Aksana has been in the US since 2001, shouldn't she qualify for citizenship?

* When Michael Cole came out, I expected him to be carrying a half-empty bottle of whiskey and ranting...

* Naomi got the biggest pop of the night for calling the 'Talk the Talk' segment bullshit. And then they kept going.

* AJ dominated the night with two competition wins plus a victory in the ring. Considering she's the one with talent, best to just back her now.

* The musical chairs bit was pretty bad, especially since, yesterday, we happened to get to the point on disc three of The Best of Raw 15th Anniversary DVD where Eugene forced a bunch of people to play musical chairs to earn a title shot. That version at least had some storytelling with no one except Stacey Keibler and Jerry Lawler (wanting to follow Stacey and stare at her ass) participating at first... until the music stopped and everyone stood there for beat before making a mad dash for the chairs. Then, there was the green mist in Coach's face, Lawler sitting on Stacey's lap, Ric Flair shoving Stacey out of the way and then strutting only to miss a chance to sit in a chair. It also finished well with Chris Jericho grabbing the chair when Tomko tried to sit in it, hitting him with the chair, and then sitting in it himself to win. Yeah, it was kind of lame, but they at least tried to make it entertaining. Not so much this time.

Really, though, a bad show. And I don't know why it has to be that way.

TNA Raw: What if WWE Raw was TNA Impact?

Last night, while watching Raw, Michelle and I played a game where we took the segments and rewrote them as if this were Impact and TNA was booking these segments.

Show Opening featuring WWE Champion Randy Orton and former Champion Sheamus
General Manager Bret Hart comes out and talks about how Night of Champions was a giant success and proved, once again, that the WWE is where everyone wants to be and why the WWE is the most dominant promotion in sports entertainment. And one of the reasons why the WWE is reigning at the top? The NEW WWE Champion... Randy Orton! Orton comes out and Hart keeps going on about how Orton is the exact type of champion the company needs, how he's going to raise the bar, is the best in the world, etc. Eventually, after a couple of minutes of Hart praising Orton, Sheamus comes out and demands a rematch... which Hart agrees to. In fact, he wants nothing more than to see Randy Orton and Sheamus fight at Hell in a Cell for the WWE Championship and continue to raise the bar for everyone in the WWE and all across sports entertainment, proving again why WWE is the place where everyone wants to be. But, then, Vince McMahon comes out, talks about how great Orton and Sheamus both are, how their match at Night of Champions with Edge, Chris Jericho, John Cena, and Wade Barrett was the best match he's ever seen and how it makes him so proud to be the Chairman of the WWE... but, he doesn't think that fans deserve to have to wait until Hell in a Cell, because they're going to have a non-title steel cage match tonight live on Raw. (Said match would start with five minutes left in the show and end with both men either pinning one another or both escaping at the exact same time...)

"Dashing" Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre vs. Santino & Kozlov
With the Hart Dynasty out on commentary, they interfere in the match immediately, attacking Rhodes and McIntyre, and the match ends in a countout for some reason instead of a disqualification. Security tries to break up the brawl, but the four men keep finding new ways to escape and fight.

Chris Jericho vs. John Morrison
The match lasts a single segment instead of the two it took. Morrison still wins, but in a fluke victory that has Jericho pissed off and he attacks Morrison after the match.

Edge vs. Daniel Bryan
First off, Edge's backstage segment would have involved him talking to a documentary-style camera in the men's room, talking very quietly and seriously about how the GM is holding him back and screwing up his career -- his being booked to face Daniel Bryan being proof of this. The match itself would play out mostly how it did until the ending where Alex Riley and the Miz interfered (the Miz never cutting his promo -- he does that backstage to a documentary-style camera later in the show while he and Riley are texting on their phones) would have resulted in Edge beign disqualified, but the three men just beat the shit out of Bryan anyway, leaving him a bloody mess.

Layla vs. Melina
Everything happens exactly the same, but the match is five minutes longer. And there are more botches.

R-Truth & Eve vs. Ted DiBiase & Maryse
Nothing changes.

John Cena vs. Wade Barrett
Instead of Barrett changing it to a gauntlet match, Nexus simply tries to attack Cena, but Cena grabs the chair Barrett brought into the ring and begins to lay them all out but the show ends mid-brawl. The match that was announced at the end of Raw is actually announced online after the show is over. (I know this doesn't make sense with my change to Orton/Sheamus, but that was on purpose.)

Also, throw in some more backstage documentary-style interviews, some people walking around ranting about things that have nothing to do with the events of this episode, and something involving Goldust eating a hot dog, while looking very intensely at William Regal.