Smarkass Comments: Aborted TNA Instant Analysis (10.28.10)

One of the things I've been doing for 411mania lately is an Instant Analysis (review) of TNA Impact on Thursday nights. Well, halfway through last night's episode, a crisis came up and I wasn't able to finish watching the show (or writing my review). So, instead of letting it go to waste, here's what I had...

SEGMENT ONE: The Knockouts Live Up to Their Name

And Impact began with a backstage brawl... because one of those hasn't happened in a couple of weeks. Surprisingly, this one didn't involve Abyss; it was Mickie James and Tara, but quickly grew to involve Madison Rayne, the Beautiful People, and Sarita. It was a typical brawl, but with more screaming and hair pulling. And, like a typical TNA brawl, it just went on and on and on... Until they finally made it to the ring and Ric Flair came out with security. Then, it became 'everyone slap Ric' while he debated if he should hit Tara or Mickie James back. When he threatened to 'make a woman' out of both of them, I worried we'd finally hit the point where Flair feels the need to prove his manhood with an orgy in the middle of the ring. Thankfully, he just booked a match and ended the ten-minute brawl that stopped being entertaining nine minutes previously. Though, would someone explain to TNA that a match involving these six women after watching them fight for ten minutes isn't exactly exciting? Please? They do that every goddamn time: either have a long brawl lead into a match or have a match lead into a long brawl... What's wrong with just having a good match?

Rating: 3.5 out of 10


SEGMENT TWO: Making Fun of Concussions

Flair and Bischoff acting all buddy buddy is hard to believe... but I did love Flair wondering where Bischoff was for the last half hour... 17 minutes into the show (with commercials). Yes, the brawl may have lasted only ten minutes, but it felt like half an hour. After this, Bischoff and Flair made light of the idea of wrestling with a concussion. I know they're heels, but WHAT THE FUCK? Why not break out some steroid and somas angles while they're at it? Make light of pain killer addiction maybe? Why not have Brian Kendrick or some other young wrestler fake his death from heart failure? There are some subjects you just avoid in the wrestling business and this is one of them.

The Pope was out with a casket and cut a promo on Abyss because of his interference in his TV Title match last week. I do love hearing the Pope deliver a sermon, but that was interrupted by Abyss coming out. Abyss was pretty decent on the mic, too, saying the Pope isn't safe anymore -- and neither is any of his congregation, taking two members of the audience with him. Um, yeah? Decent start, but the finish was a little strange.

Jeff Jarrett was at his arrogant heel best by mocking Samoa Joe and Ken Anderson. Short, sweet, and completely dickish. He came close to hammering on the concussion angle, but was vague enough that it didn't come off as poor as the Flair/Bischoff stuff.

Rating: 5.0 out of 10 for everything except the Flair/Bischoff stuff, which falls somewhere in the negative... what the hell were they thinking?


SEGMENT THREE: Jay Lethal vs. Robbie E. in a Jersey Shore Street Fight
Match Result: Robbie E. pinned Jay Lethal via hairspray
Match Length: Around five minutes

Matt Morgan was out to educate Ric Flair on concussions and Flair's response: "It's the business. It's called professional wrestling." Wow. Veering wildly between after school special and horrible ignorance... THIS IS WHAT I CALL ENTERTAINING WRESTLING TELEVISION!

A Street Fight... something else that hasn't happened on Impact... er, since last week. This sort of match was a smart decision in that it allowed Robbie E. to hide some of his weaker points in the ring. More a brawl than a wrestling match, Lethal kicked things off in charge, while Robbie made a short-lived comeback before Lethal turned the tables with a kendo stick. Lethal's decision to go to the corner Cookie was standing by was an easy to spot opportunity for a clearly beaten Robbie E. to win and earn a title shot at Turning Point. And it was thanks to Cookie using hair spray against Lethal. Lethal beating on Robbie was entertaining, but the ending was forced and kind of awful.

Backstage, Angelina Love was visited again by creepy Winter who replaced the seamstress... but Velvet Sky returns and there's no Winter! Spooky. Katie Lea as Winter is done very well and this story is different. I'm not hating it.

Rating: 4.5 out of 10

Smarkass Comments: Impact/Smackdown Similarity

Don't have much to say about this week's Smackdown besides liking it in general, while you can read my thoughts on Impact over at 411mania. But, I did have a quick thought about the two shows this week and a similar structure with their beginning and end segments.

Smackdown used current World Heavyweight Champion Kane in both the opening and closing segments of the show. The show began with a match between him and Chris Masters, closing with a promo segment involving the Undertaker and the return of Paul Bearer.

Impact used Abyss in both the opening and closing segments of the show. The show began with a match between him and Rob Terry, closing with a promo segment involving Rob Van Dam and an unconscious/beaten up Jeff Hardy.

Kane is giant, dominating monster often involved in ludicrous and inane stories, including his current feud with the Undertaker depending on who you ask (I really like it myself).

Abyss is a fairly big, dominating guy nicknamed the Monster often involved in ludicrous and inane stories, including his current feud with Rob Van Dam, his brandishing of a two-by-four with nails in it that he calls Janice, and his obsession with a mysterious 'They' that are telling him way to do... and pretty much everyone seems to hate that one.

Chris Masters is a musclebound wrestler hired more his look than abilities, which are sorely lacking compared to the rest of the roster.

Rob Terry is a musclebound wrestler hired more his look than abilities, which are sorely lacking compared to the rest of the roster.

Kane has shown dominance over a top-tiered wrestler, the Undertaker, by attacking him backstage to weaken him and keep him out of competition for a couple of months... but the Undertaker seems prepared to bring the fight to Kane at the next PPV even though he doesn't seem 100% yet.

Abyss has shown dominance over a top-tiered wrestler, Rob Van Dam, by attacking him backstage to weaken him and keep him out of competition for nearly a couple of months... but RVD seems prepared to bring the fight to Abyss at the next PPV even though he doesn't seem 100% yet.

The Undertaker being taken out of action was the result of an injury to his orbital bone and this story was crafted around creating an explanation for his absence. In the process, the Undertaker lost a shot to win the World Heavyweight Champion. His replacement, Rey Mysterio, won the belt and, then, lost it to Kane.

Rob Van Dam being taken out of action was the result of his contract status with TNA that limits his number of appearances. In the process, he vacated the TNA World Heavyweight Championship and the new champion is being determined through a tournament that will end at the next PPV... where RVD will also return to simply fight Abyss.

The Kane/Chris Masters match was surprisingly decent.

The Abyss/Rob Terry match was pretty fucking bad.

The promo segment to close Smackdown advanced the story well and reintroduced a person from previous feuds between the Undertaker and Kane.

The promo segment to close Impact... um, had people doing stuff that added nothing to the story.

I found the similarities in broad concepts interesting and the executions even more so, because there really was a disparity. (On another note, after rewriting Raw as if it were booked by TNA, I wanted to rewrite Impact as if it were booked by the WWE, but, honestly, couldn't think of a way to do it. I guess this little comparison shows some of what I would have changed with Impact to make it more like the WWE...)

TNA Raw: What if WWE Raw was TNA Impact?

Last night, while watching Raw, Michelle and I played a game where we took the segments and rewrote them as if this were Impact and TNA was booking these segments.

Show Opening featuring WWE Champion Randy Orton and former Champion Sheamus
General Manager Bret Hart comes out and talks about how Night of Champions was a giant success and proved, once again, that the WWE is where everyone wants to be and why the WWE is the most dominant promotion in sports entertainment. And one of the reasons why the WWE is reigning at the top? The NEW WWE Champion... Randy Orton! Orton comes out and Hart keeps going on about how Orton is the exact type of champion the company needs, how he's going to raise the bar, is the best in the world, etc. Eventually, after a couple of minutes of Hart praising Orton, Sheamus comes out and demands a rematch... which Hart agrees to. In fact, he wants nothing more than to see Randy Orton and Sheamus fight at Hell in a Cell for the WWE Championship and continue to raise the bar for everyone in the WWE and all across sports entertainment, proving again why WWE is the place where everyone wants to be. But, then, Vince McMahon comes out, talks about how great Orton and Sheamus both are, how their match at Night of Champions with Edge, Chris Jericho, John Cena, and Wade Barrett was the best match he's ever seen and how it makes him so proud to be the Chairman of the WWE... but, he doesn't think that fans deserve to have to wait until Hell in a Cell, because they're going to have a non-title steel cage match tonight live on Raw. (Said match would start with five minutes left in the show and end with both men either pinning one another or both escaping at the exact same time...)

"Dashing" Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre vs. Santino & Kozlov
With the Hart Dynasty out on commentary, they interfere in the match immediately, attacking Rhodes and McIntyre, and the match ends in a countout for some reason instead of a disqualification. Security tries to break up the brawl, but the four men keep finding new ways to escape and fight.

Chris Jericho vs. John Morrison
The match lasts a single segment instead of the two it took. Morrison still wins, but in a fluke victory that has Jericho pissed off and he attacks Morrison after the match.

Edge vs. Daniel Bryan
First off, Edge's backstage segment would have involved him talking to a documentary-style camera in the men's room, talking very quietly and seriously about how the GM is holding him back and screwing up his career -- his being booked to face Daniel Bryan being proof of this. The match itself would play out mostly how it did until the ending where Alex Riley and the Miz interfered (the Miz never cutting his promo -- he does that backstage to a documentary-style camera later in the show while he and Riley are texting on their phones) would have resulted in Edge beign disqualified, but the three men just beat the shit out of Bryan anyway, leaving him a bloody mess.

Layla vs. Melina
Everything happens exactly the same, but the match is five minutes longer. And there are more botches.

R-Truth & Eve vs. Ted DiBiase & Maryse
Nothing changes.

John Cena vs. Wade Barrett
Instead of Barrett changing it to a gauntlet match, Nexus simply tries to attack Cena, but Cena grabs the chair Barrett brought into the ring and begins to lay them all out but the show ends mid-brawl. The match that was announced at the end of Raw is actually announced online after the show is over. (I know this doesn't make sense with my change to Orton/Sheamus, but that was on purpose.)

Also, throw in some more backstage documentary-style interviews, some people walking around ranting about things that have nothing to do with the events of this episode, and something involving Goldust eating a hot dog, while looking very intensely at William Regal.

Smarkass Comments: TNA Top Ten Rankings #2

Last night, the second round of Top Ten Rankings in TNA was revealed and some of the choices seem questionable to me. So, out of curiosity, I thought I would go over the guys listed in the first top ten and the guys in the new top ten to see what they actually accomplished in the ring over the past month. The first number (or UR for unraked) is the current ranking, while the number in parenthesis is their previous ranking. (Also, the top three contenders haven't been determined. They had a threeway last night to determine the #1 contender, but the match ended in a countout. Somehow.)

UR. Kazarian (#10)
* May 21 Impact: Won eight-man battle royal to earn the #10 spot after Kurt Angle gave up his spot.
* May 28 Impact: Defeated Jay Lethal.
* June 3 Impact: Lost in a threeway match against Jay Lethal (winner) and AJ Styles (#2). Styles was pinned.
* June 10 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* Slammiversary VIII: Lost to Kurt Angle.
Record: 2-2 (singles).
Thoughts: His only victories were early ones, including one against a guy who won a threeway featuring Kaz the following week and he lost at a PPV against Kurt Angle. He deserved to drop out of the top ten.

UR. Rob Terry (#8)
* May 21 Impact: Lost to Orlando Jordan.
* May 28 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* June 3 Impact: Beat Desmond Wolfe (#7) and Orlando Jordan with Abyss (#5) in a tag team match.
* June 10 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* Slammiversary VIII: Did not wrestle.
Record: 0-1 (singles); 1-0 (tag).
Thoughts: No big wins, lots of missed action because of an injury, he deserved to drop out of the top ten.

10. Kurt Angle (UR)
* May 21 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* May 28 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* June 3 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* June 10 Impact: Defeated Amazing Red.
* Slammiversary VIII: Defeated Kazarian (#10)
Record: 2-0 (singles).
Thoughts: Mostly nothing, but two wins including beating the #10 contender, so taking his spot makes sense.

9. Desmond Wolfe (#7)
* May 21 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* May 28 Impact: Defeated Jeff Hardy (#3).
* June 3 Impact: Lost to Abyss (#5) and Rob Terry (#8) in a tag match with Orlando Jordan.
* June 10 Impact: Defeated Jay Lethal, Jeff Hardy (#3), Mr. Anderson (#4), and Abyss (#5) in an eight-man tag match with AJ Styles (#2) and Beer Money, Inc. (Robert Roode and James Storm).
* Slammiversary VIII: Lost to Abyss (#5) in a Monster's Ball match.
Record: 1-1 (singles); 1-1 (tag).
Thoughts: Not sure Wolfe deserved to drop these two spots. He was split in tag matches, which aren't as important as singles matches. His singles win was over the #3 contender, while his loss was against the #5 contender at a PPV. This seems like a wash to me. No improvement, but no falling in the stats either.

8. "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero (#6)
* May 21 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* May 28 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* June 3 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* June 10 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* Slammiversary VIII: Did not wrestle.
Record: None (injured).
Thoughts: Being injured sucks, but he should have been dropped until he could come back and prove himself worthy of a spot.

7. Jay Lethal (UR)
* May 21 Impact: Defeated Beer Money, Inc. in a tag match with Rob Van Dam (C)
* May 28 Impact: Lost to Kazarian (#10).
* June 3 Impact: Defeated AJ Styles (#2) and Kazarian (#10) in a threeway match by pinning Styles.
* June 10 Impact: Lost to AJ Styles (#2), Desmond Wolfe (#7), and Beer Money in an eight-man tag match with Jeff Hardy (#3), Mr. Anderson (#4), and Abyss (#5).
* Slammiversary VIII: Defeated AJ Styles (#2).
Record: 2-1 (singles); 1-1 (tag).
Thoughts: Two wins over the #2 contender means jumping into the top ten. I might have placed him even higher, maybe #6.

6. Samoa Joe (#9)
* May 21 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* May 28 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* June 3 Impact: Lost to Rob Van Dam (C) in a fourway match with Sting (#1) and Matt Morgan.
* June 10 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* Slammiversary VIII: Did not wrestle.
Record: 0-1 (singles).
Thoughts: Not much action except for a loss in a fourway. He didn't take the pin, though. He should have fallen or, at minimum, stayed where he was, not jumped three spots.

5. Sting (#1)
* May 21 Impact: Lost to Jeff Hardy (#3).
* May 28 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* June 3 Impact: Lost to Rob Van Dam (C) in a fourway with Samoa Joe (#9) and Matt Morgan.
* June 10 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* Slammiversary VIII: Lost to Rob Van Dam (C)
Record: 0-3 (singles).
Thoughts: He should have fallen further after three losses, including a shot at the title.

4. AJ Styles (#2)
* May 21 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* May 28 Impact: Defeated Mr. Anderson (#4).
* June 3 Impact: Lost to Jay Lethal in a threeway match with Kazarian (#10). He was pinned.
* June 10 Impact: Defeated Jay Lethal, Jeff Hardy (#3), Mr. Anderson (#4), and Abyss (#5) in an eight-match tag match with Desmond Wolfe (#7) and Beer Money.
* Slammiversary VIII: Lost to Jay Lethal.
Record: 1-2 (singles); 1-0 (tag).
Thoughts: Two losses to Lethal, but one over Anderson along with the tag win. Dropping a couple of spots makes sense.

#3/2/1? Abyss (#5)
* May 21 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* May 28 Impact: Defeated Orlando Jordan.
* June 3 Impact: Defeated Desmond Wolfe (#7) and Orlando Jordan in a tag match with Rob Terry (#8).
* June 10 Impact: Lost to AJ Styles (#2), Desmond Wolfe (#7), and Beer Money in an eight-man tag match with Jay Lethal, Jeff Hardy (#3), and Mr. Anderson (#4)
* Slammiversary VIII: Defeated Desmond Wolfe (#7) in a Monster's Ball match.
Record: 2-0 (singles); 1-1 (tag).
Thoughts: A winning record, including a PPV win means advancement.

#3/2/1? Mr. Anderson (#4)
* May 21 Impact: Did not wrestle.
* May 28 Impact: Lost to AJ Styles (#2).
* June 3 Impact: Lost to Robert Roode.
* June 10 Impact: Lost to AJ Styles (#2), Desmond Wolfe (#7), and Beer Money in an eight-man tag match with Jay Lethal, Jeff Hardy (#3), and Abyss (#5).
* Slammiversary VIII: Defeated Beer Money in a tag match with Jeff Hardy (#3).
Record: 0-2 (singles); 1-1 (tag).
Thoughts: Wow, two losses including one to an unranked guy with his sole victory being a tag match -- albeit a PPV one. He deserved to drop some spots, not possibly be the number one contender. What the fuck is this shit?

#3/2/1? Jeff Hardy (#3)
* May 21 Impact: Defeated Sting (#1).
* May 28 Impact: Lost to Desmond Wolfe (#7).
* June 3 Impact: Defeated James Storm.
* June 10 Impact: Lost to AJ Styles (#2), Desmond Wolfe (#7), and Beer Money in an eight-man tag match with Jay Lethal, Mr. Anderson (#4), and Abyss (#5).
* Slammiversary VIII: Defeated Beer Money with Mr. Anderson (#4).
Record: 2-1 (singles); 1-1 (tag).
Thoughts: A win over the number one contender is always a plus, but he did lose to Desmond Wolfe. Throw in a victory over James Storm and a PPV tag victory to overmatch the eight-man match, Hardy came out a winner this month.

Based on these numbers, about half of this list is right. Samoa Joe, Mr. Anderson, and the Pope stand out as the three guys who are ranked higher than they deserve, while Jay Lethal and Desmond Wolfe are ranked a little low. Were I to do the rankings, mine would probably look like this:

10. Rob Terry
9. Kurt Angle
8. Samoa Joe
7. Mr. Anderson
6. Desmond Wolfe
5. Sting
4. Jay Lethal
3. AJ Styles
2. Jeff Hardy
1. Abyss

Just a little different...