Some Brief Thoughts on Celebrity Apprentice 5

Tonight is the finale of Celebrity Apprentice 5 where Clay Aiken and Arsenio Hall will square off to determine who is the fifth Celebrity Apprentice in the weakest season of the show I've seen yet. I've watched every season except the first and, on the whole, this one has been a frustrating, dull, disappointing experience. The line-up of celebrities had potential, but quickly devolved into the same tedious problems week after week, not helped by this season skewing wildly away from fundraising tasks towards 'creative' ones (I hate that fucking word now), creating a fairly repetitive pattern of tasks week after week. But, nonetheless, here are some thoughts on the season:

* The first episode was a genuine 'game changer' for the show, I think. Paul Teutul, Sr. winning the fundraising task because of one donation of $305,000 basically gave a big "Fuck you" to fundraising tasks. It was a cheap win that made everything we saw completely worthless. Of course, fundraising tasks have always been worthless and ripe for someone to exploit them like this. I don't think it's a coincidence, though, that the season began with this and only featured one other fundraising task (before the final task, which is part fundraising, part 'creative' as always). Usually, the show tries to keep things relatively even and Paul, Sr. looks to be the man who killed the fundraiser.

* Victoria Gotti getting fired in the second week was a big plus, because those 'She's with the mob and may kill me' jokes got old after the first episode.

* Week four was the first sign that this season was fucked. The first three episodes were your typical Celebrity Apprentice bullshit. Episode four was the one where Adam Carolla and Michael Andretti were fired because Andretti didn't want to give Buick a free endoresement, basically. The task was to do a presentation for a new Buick car along with a Q&A about it. The men were obviously superior in executing this task. Not even close. But, the Buick executives didn't like that Carolla was the project manager instead of Andretti, so the women won. The irony, of course, was that Andretti played a big part in the presentation and the execs didn't like him as a public speaker. So, their complaint was that they wanted more Andretti, but also thought he wasn't suited to something like this. It was a bullshit decision that was obviously based on Buick wanting to take advantage of the Andretti name and Andretti obviously not entirely comfortable with giving an endorsement to a product because someone else says he has to (and for free). Carolla was fired when he took responsibility for the loss instead of trying to blame anyone else -- and, then, Trump fired someone else because how dare anyone take responsibility for losing when it's their fault? It was a joke and one of those times where you can't help but wonder how Trump succeeded in business if that's how he runs his company. That Tia Carrere was fired the next week, taking full responsibility and not bringing anyone back to the boardroom made the fucked up fourth week stand out even more, because there was no consistency.

* Inconsistency was a big issue. Trump would waver wildly between blaming people who came up with the initial concepts and project managers who approved and oversaw their execution. Some would praise the inability to predict Trump, but, at this point, it's just annoying. He swerves for the sake of it most of the time it seems.

* The episode that was on the same night as the Academy Awards was horrible to watch. The boardroom began shortly after ten and went on forever into a surprisingly long overrun. If anything makes me glad that the show will only be an hour next season, it's an episode like that. I genuinely wanted the men to lose in those early episodes because I couldn't stand the boardroom with the women.

* It took far too long for someone to point out that Aubrey O'Day spearheading the 'creative' on the women's team and, then, losing is something that they could use against her instead of allowing her to continue to act like she's amazing.

* The Clay Aiken/Pen  Jillette mini-feud was a little lame.

* It was funny how much the women hated Dayana Mendoza and, then, how easily the men worked with her right away much to the horror of Lisa Lampanelli.

* Lisa grew from someone who seemed like they could win into someone you rooted against. Her inability to distinguish between Dayana being upset over 'not being the star' and not being included at all was amazing. Aside from Aubrey, no one had a larger gap between how they perceived themselves and how they came across.

* I will never forgive Arsenio for backing off his rant on Aubrey.

* Dee Snyder getting fired stood out as another big mistake for the show. Same with Penn getting fired. Looking back, if I were to have chosen two people to be in the finals, it would have been those two. But, both of their firings, pointed to a large problem the celebrities had this year: defending themselves in the boardroom. They were pisspoor at making arguments for why they should stay, aside from Aubrey. She was always good at attacking others and mentioning everything she could possibly be credited for doing. Everyone else fell into the trap of trying to be nice and not using rhetoric and logic well.

* I was surprised in a few instances that no one tried to argue with the decision of the judges. The Buick one and the Trump cologne taks stood out as times when arguing against the choices and reasons might have worked.

* I wish someone said to Aubrey "You know how I know you're not really creative? You don't use any other words to say you are!"



* Lou Ferrigno was an endless source of amusement. You know there were drinking games centred around him saying "a hundred and ten percent."

* The biggest flaw of this season was the paperthin abilities of the celebrities. In the past, numerous people stood out as possible winners, while, this time, it seemed like you had a bunch of losers, a bunch of second-tier 'capable' people who didn't stand above the rest, and only a couple of possible winners -- and they were fired. By the time we hit the final five, it was apparent that this was the weakest final five yet and, no matter who won, this season was a dud. That every task save two was a 'creative' task really stopped people with blind spots or gaps in ability from standing out like usual. Changing up the tasks was a way to judge who was well-rounded, not simply good at one thing, and this season didn't do that.

So, we're left with Arsenio and Clay and... both are safe, crowd-pleasing choices. Neither stood out too much, good or bad. No one will be upset if either wins, I imagine, though most probably lean one way or another. Maybe this show has run its course.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Season Eight Episode Reviews

I reviewed every episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm season eight over on 411mania and here are the links:

Episode 1 (The Divorce)
Episode 2 (The Safe House)
Episode 3 (The Palestinian Chicken)
Episode 4 (The Smiley Face)
Episode 5 (Vow of Silence)
Episode 6 (The Hero)
Episode 7 (The Bi-Sexual)
Episode 8 (Car Periscope)
Episode 9 (Mister Softee)
Episode 10 (Larry vs. Michael J. Fox)

Enjoy.

King of the Ring 2010 Predictions

Tonight is the King of the Ring tournament for 2010. Technically, it's happening live right now, but, here in Canada, it won't be on for another hour since the Score didn't want to alter their regular programming schedule. The WWE put up the brackets today, so I figured I'd give my predictions:

1st Round
* John Morrison vs. "Dashing" Cody Rhodes: This is a tough one as I could see both men going past the first round against other opponents. Part of figuring out who will advance is looking at who they would possibly be facing in the 2nd round. I'd rather see "Dashing" Cody Rhodes go over, but John Morrison seems more likely. Winner: "Dashing" Cody Rhodes
* Daniel Bryan vs. Alberto Del Rio: Another tough one, but I'd rather see Del Rio advance since Bryan doesn't need the victory as much. Winner: Alberto Del Rio
* Ezekiel Jackson vs. Drew McIntyre: Wow. I look at the first two match-ups and I see two competitive matches where I wouldn't mind any of the guys advancing. Here, I see the 'Chosen One' who hasn't done shit and a muscle-bound freak that, if he won, would basically be King Mabel II. Winner: Ezekiel Jackson
* Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus: This could be a decent match, but Kingston is here to make Sheamus look good. Winner: Sheamus

2nd Round (they gave the brackets for this)
* "Dashing" Cody Rhodes vs. Alberto Del Rio: I can see Del Rio making it to the finals, but would definitely rather see Rhodes keep advancing. Winner: "Dashing" Cody Rhodes
* Ezekiel Jackson vs. Sheamus: If there's anyone the WWE could have beat Jackson without making him look too weak in this tournament, it's Sheamus. Both men are power-based, so the former WWE champ going over isn't a big blow. Plus, this could be another way to play off Sheamus as weakened by the tournament for the finals. Winner: Sheamus

Finals
* "Dashing" Cody Rhodes vs. Sheamus: I'm of two minds here. I think winning the King of the Ring could work well for Sheamus. I would have him win and, immediately, Triple H's King of Kings music hits, suggesting that he'll finally come back to get revenge, playing off that nickname and being a past King of the Ring. But, no, Sheamus gets on the mic and laughs at us, saying that that is now his music, because he retired Triple H and won the King of the Ring, making him the true King of Kings. But, that seems a little... well, outside of what the WWE would book. So, unless they're going to use this as a way toa dvance Sheamus/Triple H, why bother? Besides, "Dashing" Cody Rhodes as King would be fantastic. Winner and the 2010 King of the Ring: "Dashing" Cody Rhodes

Let's see how wrong I am...

Smarkass Comments: Aborted TNA Instant Analysis (10.28.10)

One of the things I've been doing for 411mania lately is an Instant Analysis (review) of TNA Impact on Thursday nights. Well, halfway through last night's episode, a crisis came up and I wasn't able to finish watching the show (or writing my review). So, instead of letting it go to waste, here's what I had...

SEGMENT ONE: The Knockouts Live Up to Their Name

And Impact began with a backstage brawl... because one of those hasn't happened in a couple of weeks. Surprisingly, this one didn't involve Abyss; it was Mickie James and Tara, but quickly grew to involve Madison Rayne, the Beautiful People, and Sarita. It was a typical brawl, but with more screaming and hair pulling. And, like a typical TNA brawl, it just went on and on and on... Until they finally made it to the ring and Ric Flair came out with security. Then, it became 'everyone slap Ric' while he debated if he should hit Tara or Mickie James back. When he threatened to 'make a woman' out of both of them, I worried we'd finally hit the point where Flair feels the need to prove his manhood with an orgy in the middle of the ring. Thankfully, he just booked a match and ended the ten-minute brawl that stopped being entertaining nine minutes previously. Though, would someone explain to TNA that a match involving these six women after watching them fight for ten minutes isn't exactly exciting? Please? They do that every goddamn time: either have a long brawl lead into a match or have a match lead into a long brawl... What's wrong with just having a good match?

Rating: 3.5 out of 10


SEGMENT TWO: Making Fun of Concussions

Flair and Bischoff acting all buddy buddy is hard to believe... but I did love Flair wondering where Bischoff was for the last half hour... 17 minutes into the show (with commercials). Yes, the brawl may have lasted only ten minutes, but it felt like half an hour. After this, Bischoff and Flair made light of the idea of wrestling with a concussion. I know they're heels, but WHAT THE FUCK? Why not break out some steroid and somas angles while they're at it? Make light of pain killer addiction maybe? Why not have Brian Kendrick or some other young wrestler fake his death from heart failure? There are some subjects you just avoid in the wrestling business and this is one of them.

The Pope was out with a casket and cut a promo on Abyss because of his interference in his TV Title match last week. I do love hearing the Pope deliver a sermon, but that was interrupted by Abyss coming out. Abyss was pretty decent on the mic, too, saying the Pope isn't safe anymore -- and neither is any of his congregation, taking two members of the audience with him. Um, yeah? Decent start, but the finish was a little strange.

Jeff Jarrett was at his arrogant heel best by mocking Samoa Joe and Ken Anderson. Short, sweet, and completely dickish. He came close to hammering on the concussion angle, but was vague enough that it didn't come off as poor as the Flair/Bischoff stuff.

Rating: 5.0 out of 10 for everything except the Flair/Bischoff stuff, which falls somewhere in the negative... what the hell were they thinking?


SEGMENT THREE: Jay Lethal vs. Robbie E. in a Jersey Shore Street Fight
Match Result: Robbie E. pinned Jay Lethal via hairspray
Match Length: Around five minutes

Matt Morgan was out to educate Ric Flair on concussions and Flair's response: "It's the business. It's called professional wrestling." Wow. Veering wildly between after school special and horrible ignorance... THIS IS WHAT I CALL ENTERTAINING WRESTLING TELEVISION!

A Street Fight... something else that hasn't happened on Impact... er, since last week. This sort of match was a smart decision in that it allowed Robbie E. to hide some of his weaker points in the ring. More a brawl than a wrestling match, Lethal kicked things off in charge, while Robbie made a short-lived comeback before Lethal turned the tables with a kendo stick. Lethal's decision to go to the corner Cookie was standing by was an easy to spot opportunity for a clearly beaten Robbie E. to win and earn a title shot at Turning Point. And it was thanks to Cookie using hair spray against Lethal. Lethal beating on Robbie was entertaining, but the ending was forced and kind of awful.

Backstage, Angelina Love was visited again by creepy Winter who replaced the seamstress... but Velvet Sky returns and there's no Winter! Spooky. Katie Lea as Winter is done very well and this story is different. I'm not hating it.

Rating: 4.5 out of 10

Hell's Kitchen 8.03-8.06

Man, fuck the producers. When we last left Hell's Kitchen, there was a preview strongly suggesting that Raj (the fat, mentally unbalanced older chef) was going to stab someone. Shots of paramedics, angry confrontation, ominous music... all that was missing was big overlaid text saying "NEXT EPISODE: RAJ STABS SOMEONE! WATCH!"

Yeah, didn't happen.

Part of me is glad about that. But, only a part. I think that makes me a horrible person.

Only finally saw the four most recent episodes, because of various real life factors involving Michelle and her family that resulted in, Friday night, watching four episodes of the show with a break for supper. In those four episodes, I learned one thing that I actually already knew: when guys fight, it's obvious and doesn't last too long; when women fight, it's obvious and sneaky and lasts for fucking ever. Every goddamn season, the red (aka women's) team nearly implodes because they all decide to hate one another, shifting alliances on a week-by-week basis depending on who decided to fuck whoever else over lately. Sometimes, a guy is thrown in so we can see him pull his hair out, wondering what he did in a previous life to deserve this. In the blue team, people confront one another, but it doesn't drag the whole team down. I don't know... is Hell's Kitchen an unexpected study in gender group dynamics?

The show isn't really about anything else right now. Definitely not cooking.

Smarkass Comments: WWE Smackdown 10.08.10

Before getting into the second episode of Smackdown on SyFy, I want to direct your attention to 411mania where some changes in my writing duties have occurred. Previously, I was co-writing the High Road/Low Road column with Sat, doing the TNA Impact 4Rs, and overseeing the TNA PPV roundtable previews. High Road/Low Road and the TNA PPV roundtable remain the same, but I'm now doing an Instant Analysis of TNA Impact and the WWE Monday Night Raw 4Rs. In addition, I'll also be doing the WWE Superstars 4Rs. So, if you like my writing about wrestling, there's more of it each and every week. If you don't... why are you reading this post at all?

As for this week's Smackdown, I'll handle it in a random thought style as I watch (well, starting around half an hour into the show on the midnight replay on the Score...):

* Edge returns to Smackdown and what else returns? His awesome jacket! Hell yes! His match with Jack Swagger was better than their bout at Hell in a Cell. Edge was really working his ass off to do some different and innovative offence. Good exchange at the end, leading into Edge's win. If they keep improving with each encounter, this feud could make both men look fantastic.

* Missed the Divas match, wanting to catch the end of South Park. I stand by my choice.

* The Big Show stuff with Hornswoggle and the Dudebusters? Awful.

* "Dashing" Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre vs. Kaval & Kofi Kingston was decent. That's a feud I wouldn't mind seeing more of, honestly. The match, though, was too short.

* The Kane/Paul Bearer promo was standard stuff for this feud with the Undertaker. Nothing special, but well done overall. A little over halfway through the show and it's been a two-segment show (and those two segments featured one match...). A pretty weak episode.

* I'm tired and kind of want to go to sleep.

* I have been enjoying the clips of previous Rey Mysterio/Alberto del Rio encounters. Good way to build to their match.

* Line of the night courtesy of Todd Grisham: "MVP's got gold: he's a baller."

* During the commercial, turned it to the Giants/Braves game to watch Ankiel hit a pretty awesome home run. Out of the park and into the water!

* Dolph Ziggler/MVP for the IC belt was a dull affair that was more about the Dolph/Vickie/Kaitlyn story than the match itself. And that's a story I don't care about. I like Kaitlyn well enough, but whatever.

* Soooooooooo tired...

* The Rey Mysterio/Alberto del Rio match was good. Rare to see Mysterio so dominant in a match. del Rio looked more like a rookie, albeit with some decent offence, but that's fine against a two-time world champ like Rey Rey. I'm just happy to see Mysterio not using his typical hit-and-run offence and changing things up when the situation calls for it.

Overall, not a strong episode. The bookending matches were really good, though.

My Favourite Interview: Ken Finkleman (March 2006)

For the last two years of my undergrad, I wrote for the Arts & Entertainment section of the student paper, the University of Western Ontario Gazette. My first year, I was a volunteer/writer, and, my second year, I was an editor. I interviewed a lot of people during those two years; mostly people in indie bands that were playing in town. But, my favourite interview of all time was with Ken Finkleman, the writer/director/star of some CBC TV series, most notably The Newsroom, a sitcom about a newsroom. It was done in the single camera style, the first season back in 1996-97 before returning in 2002 with a TV movie Escape from the Newsroom leading into two more seasons. Between the two version of The Newsroom, he did three mini-series that I have never seen, sadly (and discuss in the interview briefly) and, in 2006, he did a six-part mini-series called At the Hotel (my excuse to talk to him).

The phone interview I had with Finkleman was fantastic. Over an hour of talking -- mostly me listening to him hold court over my 23-year old self. I wasn't usually fannish or flustered, but I was a bit with Finkleman. Before the interview, CBC sent me some preview episodes of At the Hotel, but Finkleman didn't really want to talk about the show. That was cool.

At The Gazette, Q&A interviews were frowned upon even though that's the style I like reading the most. So, I had decided from day one to try and make my interviews as quote-heavy as possible. I'd ask basic questions if only so I could use what the subject said instead of having to say it myself. I would structure the interviews around what was said, not what the article 'should' be about. Going into the Finkleman interview, I had read an 'interview' with him in one of the big Canadian papers and it was roughly the size of my interview, but featured, maybe, three things Finkleman said, filling the article with information that the writer or editor thought was necessary -- the point of the article. Finkleman wasn't even needed! I always tried to avoid that style.

Also, the published article (which has the wrong author credited on the website) needed to be cut down a bit, because I wrote too much. That was rare for me; I was usually very good at hitting the desired length, but I didn't bother this time. I wanted it to be long and contain all of the cool stuff Finkleman said. I'm not entirely happy with the edited version and kept the original for that reason (the only time I've done that). Partly because I like the full version more automatically and, partly, because it was edited as part of training potential editors for the next year, so it's not as clean as it would have been had Anna (my fellow A&E editor at the time) done it.

Still, I look over the article and still see too much of myself, not enough of him. This was also the interview that prompted me to begin reading Haruki Murakami and, for that, I owe Finkleman a debt.

***

Ken Finkleman doesn't like my first question. I ask him about his new series At the Hotel, there's a pause of around ten seconds and he begins to ask me questions about myself. He asks about the paper and school, which leads to poetry and recommending that I read some poems by James Merrill. I can hear him looking for the book in his office because he wants to get the names right.

After a few minutes of this, Finkleman returns to my question and says, "Your first question is terrible. It's the sort of question you think you're supposed to ask and it's one I've been asked hundreds of times. The best question to ask is whatever made you inquisitive. Are you an inquisitive person? If you were sitting beside me on a plane, what would you ask me?"

An interview with Ken Finkleman is part conversation, part lecture. He seems to have so many things he wants to say that he begins one thought and before he can finish it, another one asserts itself. He references various writers and filmmakers, always asking "You know who he is?" As an interviewer, it can be challenging, but as a listener, it's captivating and highly entertaining.

At one point, Finkleman discusses getting older, saying, "As you get older, you appreciate things differently. I don't mean to say that because you're young and don't have as much experience, you can't appreciate things, but as you get older. Like sex. Sex is better. Oh, fuck – infinitely better when you're older.

"Poetry – you appreciate that differently. And, it's not because I have more experience, it's not that. It's like as you get older, your brain changes and you think about things differently."

Finkleman is the director, producer and co-writer of the six-part CBC mini-series At the Hotel and is most well-known for the popular, award-winning comedy series The Newsroom, which he wrote, directed, produced and starred in.

He is generally regarded as one of the most intelligent and creative people working in Canadian television. The third run of The Newsroom won a 2005 International Emmy Award for Best Comedy, a Gemini Award for Best Writing in a Comedy or Variety Program or Series, and two Directors Guild of Canada Awards, for Outstanding Achievement in Direction – Television Series and Outstanding Team Achievement in a Television Series – Comedy.

But, Finkleman doesn't really want to talk about any of that. Any mention of his work is made to strengthen an argument he is making.

Most of the interview is taken up answering the question I would ask him if I was sitting beside him on a plane: why television? Why not films or prose or theatre? What is it about television that appeals to Ken Finkleman so much?

His answer is much simpler than you would expect: "Well, movies are hard to get made – especially in Canada. In Hollywood, it's hard, but you can get caught up in a community and get them made that way. And, at one time, I found myself in a community. Unless you want to do a studio hack job – you want to do something interesting, so you need a name attached."

Finkleman continues, "There are anomalies. But, even then it's because they know each other. Have you seen Capote? That had Phillip Seymour Hoffman, but he was only in it because he knew them. You need a name and the only way to get that is to socialize with the names."

Finkleman explains, "In Canada, you're in the position where you don't have the names to justify a big enough budget. They want a name to put on the marquee, which brings people into the theatre, which makes money. It doesn't have to be the biggest name, but one that will make the investment worth it."

Star power isn't the only drawback, Finkleman adds, "Canadian movies are in and out of theatres in a week. You devote a year – two if you're also writing – to a film and then it's just gone."

Television shows are similar in their temporary status, but in that case, it's by design. "In TV, it comes and goes – and more people watch it. Even if they don't like it, they're more forgiving because it's free," Finkleman laughs.

Even with shows he's done, Finkleman says he's the same way. "There are some episodes I really like and others I don't." But, the serial nature and the fact that there's always a second chance glosses over that quickly.

"It's extremely rewarding," Finkleman explains. "You withstand the failures. And it's fun. Shooting is fun."

This leads Finkleman off on a new tangent: discussing the purpose of fiction. He paraphrases Japanese writer Haruki Murakami, saying, "Good fiction connects – I'm sorry, the story connects in an indefinable way with the story inside reader. It has the quality of déjà vu. Isn't that amazing?"

He explains, "It's the reader and the work. The work is nothing without the reader. And the people that don't get it, resent it and call it pretentious."

The P word is a sore spot with Finkleman as his work is usually praised by critics or panned as pretentious crap. "It's never pretentious. It's always an attempt to express something big and meaningful. It can't be pretentious, it's just what it is. Deep down, I know I'm not pretentious.

"If a critic calls something pretentious, you know he's an asshole."

"It's because I'm a Jew from Winnipeg," Finkleman explains. "It would be okay if I were a German with a cigarette and long hair and a leather jacket and tattoos. But I'm not, so I'm not supposed to attempt to discuss those things."

Three series Finkleman did between runs of The Newsroom, More Tears, Foolish Heart and Foreign Objects, remain favourites of his because there he was able to flex his artistic muscles and explore themes not often explored on TV. But, fans waiting for them to show up on DVD may have a long wait.

Although Finkleman has a core of fans of his work, he doesn't believe that would translate in sales the way The Newsroom DVDs do. "There's no hook. There's nothing that would make people in stores pick them up."

He adds, "We did a study and found that there are 300,000 fans out there, across the country. What does that mean? Because I don't know. Is that good? Is that bad? I don't know. If you put 300,000 people in a stadium and me on stage, that would be pretty impressive, don't you think?"

Smarkass Comments: Impact/Smackdown Similarity

Don't have much to say about this week's Smackdown besides liking it in general, while you can read my thoughts on Impact over at 411mania. But, I did have a quick thought about the two shows this week and a similar structure with their beginning and end segments.

Smackdown used current World Heavyweight Champion Kane in both the opening and closing segments of the show. The show began with a match between him and Chris Masters, closing with a promo segment involving the Undertaker and the return of Paul Bearer.

Impact used Abyss in both the opening and closing segments of the show. The show began with a match between him and Rob Terry, closing with a promo segment involving Rob Van Dam and an unconscious/beaten up Jeff Hardy.

Kane is giant, dominating monster often involved in ludicrous and inane stories, including his current feud with the Undertaker depending on who you ask (I really like it myself).

Abyss is a fairly big, dominating guy nicknamed the Monster often involved in ludicrous and inane stories, including his current feud with Rob Van Dam, his brandishing of a two-by-four with nails in it that he calls Janice, and his obsession with a mysterious 'They' that are telling him way to do... and pretty much everyone seems to hate that one.

Chris Masters is a musclebound wrestler hired more his look than abilities, which are sorely lacking compared to the rest of the roster.

Rob Terry is a musclebound wrestler hired more his look than abilities, which are sorely lacking compared to the rest of the roster.

Kane has shown dominance over a top-tiered wrestler, the Undertaker, by attacking him backstage to weaken him and keep him out of competition for a couple of months... but the Undertaker seems prepared to bring the fight to Kane at the next PPV even though he doesn't seem 100% yet.

Abyss has shown dominance over a top-tiered wrestler, Rob Van Dam, by attacking him backstage to weaken him and keep him out of competition for nearly a couple of months... but RVD seems prepared to bring the fight to Abyss at the next PPV even though he doesn't seem 100% yet.

The Undertaker being taken out of action was the result of an injury to his orbital bone and this story was crafted around creating an explanation for his absence. In the process, the Undertaker lost a shot to win the World Heavyweight Champion. His replacement, Rey Mysterio, won the belt and, then, lost it to Kane.

Rob Van Dam being taken out of action was the result of his contract status with TNA that limits his number of appearances. In the process, he vacated the TNA World Heavyweight Championship and the new champion is being determined through a tournament that will end at the next PPV... where RVD will also return to simply fight Abyss.

The Kane/Chris Masters match was surprisingly decent.

The Abyss/Rob Terry match was pretty fucking bad.

The promo segment to close Smackdown advanced the story well and reintroduced a person from previous feuds between the Undertaker and Kane.

The promo segment to close Impact... um, had people doing stuff that added nothing to the story.

I found the similarities in broad concepts interesting and the executions even more so, because there really was a disparity. (On another note, after rewriting Raw as if it were booked by TNA, I wanted to rewrite Impact as if it were booked by the WWE, but, honestly, couldn't think of a way to do it. I guess this little comparison shows some of what I would have changed with Impact to make it more like the WWE...)

Hell's Kitchen Season 8.01 & 8.02

Okay, this shit has gone around the bend.

There aren't too many reality TV shows I watch. That number has increased in my time with Michelle, mostly by adding the odd food-related show into the mix. Hell's Kitchen is a show I've always found entertaining/interesting because it's, presumably, people trying to win their dream job and fucking up a lot. The struggle is engaging -- and it's somewhat nice to see people being given a shot where they'll live or die based on how good they are. It's basically "You want this fantastic chef position? Fucking prove it." I can get behind that sort of thing. The competition aspect is based around preparing food and, if you do it well, you'll keep on going; you fuck up, you may be done. Every cool job should have a show like this.

Except every year, more and more of the early episodes are based around competitors that aren't going to win and are there simply because they will make things interesting and make you want to keep watching. This season, after two episodes (aired back-to-back), it's just shameless.

First up, we have Antonia, a line cook, who, in the first competition where the task was prepare your signature dish, produced a gumbo so awful that it made Ramsay (apparently) vomit, at which point he passed it around and everyone who tasted it reacted in a similar fashion. Later, during preparation for service, Antonia suffered a migraine that involved her shaking, clutching her head, and basically looking like she was a reject from a Cronenberg movie. She was then sent to the hospital, never to be heard from again. Michelle and I were puzzled, wondering if that was real, because it looked so absurd and staged. Person makes apparently shitty food, suffers from a medical condition that looks acted, and is gone... all on the first episode?

Then, there's Raj, the personal chef that has more cooking experience than anyone on the show (including Ramsay) and doesn't seem to understand anything. He gets drunk and starts doing karate moves. He bumbles around and can't cook anything. In the second episode, Ramsay confronts him about a ticket just called and Raj sort of shuffles around before admitting he didn't "quite catch it." He was up for elimination in both episodes and passed over despite obviously being among the worst (if not the worst out of the bunch). In the preview for the third episode, he seemingly attacks another chef with a knife. Yes. SEEMINGLY ATTACKS ANOTHER CHEF WITH A KNIFE.

Sabrina, a prep chef, had an attitude problem throughout, fights constantly with everyone on her team, brought food up to the pass way ahead because she couldn't coordinate anything, and, then, wanted someone else kicked off when she was brought up for elimination because that person snores. She's not as bad as Raj, but her near-tearful cries of "But I wanted you to see the food I made for you!" to Ramsay make me think her elimination will be coupled with an awkward moment where she lunges at him and tries to fuck him right there in the restaurant.

The eliminated chefs were a woman who cooked a little too slowly and a guy who couldn't get sushi rolls right. Both weren't going to win, but, come on, are you telling me the bumbling buffoon and crazy stalker lady have a shot in hell? It's almost not worth watching this shit until there's five episodes left, the crazies have all gone home, and you're left with the people you didn't know were on the show for the first few weeks, because they are actual human beings. Tucker had the right idea.

Smarkass Comments: NXT 09.21.10

Watching the third episode of NXT Season 3, Michelle and I both wondered what the point of this is. The quality has devolved to the point where the people watching it on TV shit on what's happening, the critics shit on what's happening, the live audience shits on what's happening, the announcers shit on what's happening, and even the performers shit on what's happening. The message is loud and clear: this show is rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreally fucking bad and the WWE knows it. So, why is it continuing on this path instead of switching to become something better? Why not try to improve things? Some have speculated that since NXT is on its way out, losing its TV deal when Smackdown switches to SyFy (the current home of NXT) next week, that the WWE is going to bury it on its way out. It didn't fail because the WWE couldn't sell it, it failed because it just didn't work no matter what they tried. I don't quite grasp the logic either, but it's hard to know what's going in Vince McMahon's head.

Personally, I don't buy that argument anyway. Why bury your show? Then again, I can't really think of a better reason for why the show is so goddamn bad. It's like they took the worst parts of the previous two NXT seasons (lame competitions/segments, unpolished/bad wrestlers) and lost the good parts (experienced/quality wrestlers, good use of the pros at times). It's baffling. While the truth behind what's going on at TNA right now would be a fascinating story, I would honestly be more interested in finding out the thinking behind NXT at this point. At least TNA tries to sell Impact as quality -- the WWE has given up on making NXT seem good. It's just a giant turd that they're stuck with for now and they've accepted that. Hell, they've embraced that and decided to let everyone know that they know.

A few random thoughts:

* CM Punk had a few good lines, but was pretty restrained.

* Um, if Aksana has been in the US since 2001, shouldn't she qualify for citizenship?

* When Michael Cole came out, I expected him to be carrying a half-empty bottle of whiskey and ranting...

* Naomi got the biggest pop of the night for calling the 'Talk the Talk' segment bullshit. And then they kept going.

* AJ dominated the night with two competition wins plus a victory in the ring. Considering she's the one with talent, best to just back her now.

* The musical chairs bit was pretty bad, especially since, yesterday, we happened to get to the point on disc three of The Best of Raw 15th Anniversary DVD where Eugene forced a bunch of people to play musical chairs to earn a title shot. That version at least had some storytelling with no one except Stacey Keibler and Jerry Lawler (wanting to follow Stacey and stare at her ass) participating at first... until the music stopped and everyone stood there for beat before making a mad dash for the chairs. Then, there was the green mist in Coach's face, Lawler sitting on Stacey's lap, Ric Flair shoving Stacey out of the way and then strutting only to miss a chance to sit in a chair. It also finished well with Chris Jericho grabbing the chair when Tomko tried to sit in it, hitting him with the chair, and then sitting in it himself to win. Yeah, it was kind of lame, but they at least tried to make it entertaining. Not so much this time.

Really, though, a bad show. And I don't know why it has to be that way.

TNA Raw: What if WWE Raw was TNA Impact?

Last night, while watching Raw, Michelle and I played a game where we took the segments and rewrote them as if this were Impact and TNA was booking these segments.

Show Opening featuring WWE Champion Randy Orton and former Champion Sheamus
General Manager Bret Hart comes out and talks about how Night of Champions was a giant success and proved, once again, that the WWE is where everyone wants to be and why the WWE is the most dominant promotion in sports entertainment. And one of the reasons why the WWE is reigning at the top? The NEW WWE Champion... Randy Orton! Orton comes out and Hart keeps going on about how Orton is the exact type of champion the company needs, how he's going to raise the bar, is the best in the world, etc. Eventually, after a couple of minutes of Hart praising Orton, Sheamus comes out and demands a rematch... which Hart agrees to. In fact, he wants nothing more than to see Randy Orton and Sheamus fight at Hell in a Cell for the WWE Championship and continue to raise the bar for everyone in the WWE and all across sports entertainment, proving again why WWE is the place where everyone wants to be. But, then, Vince McMahon comes out, talks about how great Orton and Sheamus both are, how their match at Night of Champions with Edge, Chris Jericho, John Cena, and Wade Barrett was the best match he's ever seen and how it makes him so proud to be the Chairman of the WWE... but, he doesn't think that fans deserve to have to wait until Hell in a Cell, because they're going to have a non-title steel cage match tonight live on Raw. (Said match would start with five minutes left in the show and end with both men either pinning one another or both escaping at the exact same time...)

"Dashing" Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre vs. Santino & Kozlov
With the Hart Dynasty out on commentary, they interfere in the match immediately, attacking Rhodes and McIntyre, and the match ends in a countout for some reason instead of a disqualification. Security tries to break up the brawl, but the four men keep finding new ways to escape and fight.

Chris Jericho vs. John Morrison
The match lasts a single segment instead of the two it took. Morrison still wins, but in a fluke victory that has Jericho pissed off and he attacks Morrison after the match.

Edge vs. Daniel Bryan
First off, Edge's backstage segment would have involved him talking to a documentary-style camera in the men's room, talking very quietly and seriously about how the GM is holding him back and screwing up his career -- his being booked to face Daniel Bryan being proof of this. The match itself would play out mostly how it did until the ending where Alex Riley and the Miz interfered (the Miz never cutting his promo -- he does that backstage to a documentary-style camera later in the show while he and Riley are texting on their phones) would have resulted in Edge beign disqualified, but the three men just beat the shit out of Bryan anyway, leaving him a bloody mess.

Layla vs. Melina
Everything happens exactly the same, but the match is five minutes longer. And there are more botches.

R-Truth & Eve vs. Ted DiBiase & Maryse
Nothing changes.

John Cena vs. Wade Barrett
Instead of Barrett changing it to a gauntlet match, Nexus simply tries to attack Cena, but Cena grabs the chair Barrett brought into the ring and begins to lay them all out but the show ends mid-brawl. The match that was announced at the end of Raw is actually announced online after the show is over. (I know this doesn't make sense with my change to Orton/Sheamus, but that was on purpose.)

Also, throw in some more backstage documentary-style interviews, some people walking around ranting about things that have nothing to do with the events of this episode, and something involving Goldust eating a hot dog, while looking very intensely at William Regal.

Smarkass Comments: Smackdown 09.17.10

So, no podcasting with Tim tonight, because he's sick means that I get to watch Smackdown when it airs. Michelle is also busy, working on a new gym routine that all of the instructors are learning/practicing tomorrow, so I figured I'd write about Smackdown as it airs rather than after.

Fun/shitty note: this week's episode was taped in Detroit. Michelle and I didn't go for various reasons. But, one good thing about living in Windsor is that, between Detroit and Toronto/the rest of Southwestern Ontario, there are many, many chances to see live wrestling throughout the year. Hell, WWE just had this year's Over the Limit PPV in Detroit! They usually hit the Motor City two or three times a year. So, no worries.

Segment #1: Christian's Peep Show with Albert del Rio as a guest
I've been digging Alberto del Rio. He's good on the mic, has obvious charisma, and is decent in the ring. Pairing him with Christian for his first extended feud is a smart decision since it increases interest in Christian and gives del Rio a great, solid veteran to work with as he gets his footing in the WWE. I also love the nickname 'Juan Bradshaw Layfield.' A good way to start the show and del Rio not agreeing to a match until he's ready is a good heel move.

Segment #2: The Hart Dynasty vs. "Dashing" Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre
A solid match. I've been loving "Dashing" Cody Rhodes since he took on this gimmick. It's really given him a strong focus for his character, which was fairly generic before. That added bit has made him better in the ring. Pairing him with Drew McIntyre seems a waste except to put McIntyre in a position where he can improve. This was a solid match that sets up a match between the two duos on Sunday at Night of Champions. That this newly formed tag team is getting a title shot shows how weak the tag team division is in the WWE. [**]

Segment #3: Kofi Kingston cuts a promo before his match
A fairly solid promo by Kingston setting up his Intercontinental Championship shot against Dolph Ziggler at Night of Champions. Nothing special, but Kingston on the mic is rare. He's got some basic skill and just needs more mic time to improve.

Segment #4: Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger
HA! Duelling chants of "Lets go, Swagger!"/"Lets go, Kofi!" towards the end... this match was basically Jack Swagger kicking the shit out of Kofi Kingston for 10-15 minutes until some good back-and-forth with Swagger still maintain an advantage. Once they hit that point, it became very engaging to watch. I don't quite buy Kingston's victory entirely, but he needed it going into Night of Champions. Swagger was just a little too dominant for it to work entirely. It reminds me a little of Rey Mysterio's title defence against JBL at Judgment Day 2006. They should have cut some of the middle out to make it a little less one-sided. Still, once it hit the back-and-forth of the end, it was really, really good. [***1/4]

Segment #5: Trying to teach Hornswoggle to talk
oh god no fuck me this shit is godawful

Segment #6: Kelly Kelly & Rosa Mendes vs. LayCool
Michelle McCool and Layla breathers because of 'Smelly Kelly' was kind of funny. The match was typical Diva shit. LayCool wins before Night of Champions and the unification match. [1/2*]

Segment #7: LayCool picks who will face Melina at Night of Champions
Kaval still hanging out with LayCool? Awesome. I really like LayCool. They have their act down and it's amusing. McCool rigging the choice seems like a fake-out on the duo's part. I still think that, after Night of Champions, we'll have Layla carrying the Womens Championship, while McCool has the Divas belt... until they eventually break up and feud against one another to determine the real Unified Womens Champion.

Segment #8: CM Punk vs. Christian
Going into this, I expected interference from Alberto del Rio based on the show's beginning and his being on commentary ringside and I was... right. del Rio distracted Christian near the end by getting the on mic, allowing Punk to get the win. The match itself wasn't amazing, but solid work by both men, two of the better performers in the WWE. The aftermath with del Rio and the Big Show was decent. Set up the Punk/Big Show match and continued the del Rio/Christian feud. [**1/2]

Segment #9: Kane answers the Undertaker
Kane has been on fire on the mic during this feud. He's really shown how great he can be -- articulate, passionate, and just plain interesting to watch. The Undertaker's entrance was great for when the lights came on and Kane was behind the Undertaker. 'Taker made a face you don't often see: the 'oh fuck me!' face of regret/annoyance. Then, Kane just destroying the Undertaker? Very well done. Definitely the way to end the show leading into Night of Champions.

All in all, a pretty good 'go home' show with almost every segment focusing on leading into a Night of Champions match in some way. Really pushing the PPV. Unlike Raw, you can tell where the focus of this episode was.

Smarkass Comments: NXT 09.07.10

A few days late, but that's fine with me. Season three of NXT kicked off this week under somewhat strange cirumstances. Brief history lesson: NXT, which airs in the US on SyFy, is the replacement for ECW, the former 'third brand' of the WWE, which shrank in ratings as it went on, because no one gave a fuck. NXT is similar to ECW in that the point is to give younger talents a chance to perform on TV and improve their skills, against one another and veterans. ECW did this by acting like a regular wrestling show; NXT does it by being a competition. Start with eight rookies, pair them each up with a 'pro' and let them go, doing inane challenges, working in short matches, getting voted off one-by-one until one rookie is left as the winner, complete with a move to either Raw or Smackdown and a title shot on a PPV. The results have been mixed and the ratings not the improvement that SyFy wanted. So, SyFy will beginning airing Smackdown in October as the WWE flees the dying MyNetworkTV -- and doesn't want NXT anymore. Season two ended last week and that leaves a gap of five weeks, so the WWE did the smart, logical thing: they paired down the number of contestants to six and made it a show featuring women rookies. Yes, they appear to be trying to kill it off.

Now, the idea of NXT being women-only appealed to me quite a bit. I thought, prior to ECW ending but when its demise was heavily rumoured, that changing ECW to an all-Divas (as women wrestlers are called in the WWE) show would be interesting. Divas are, by and large, not good wrestlers. Their matches are thought of as a chance to go get some food, use the bathroom, whatever so long as it doesn't involve watching them wrestle. Part of this is the result of hiring women for their looks rather than their skills, but another part is that none of them are ever given a good chance to improve or get over with the audience. Each weekly TV show usually has one Diva segment at most, while numerous PPVs will go by with no Divas matches. That's not an environment where someone will improve and get over with the audience. But, an hour-long weekly show devoted exclusively to the Divas where they could all have stories and feuds, and get a chance to wrestle more? That sounded good to me. Probably a horrible business decision, but definitely interesting.

So, NXT season three being Divas only? Yeah, I'd give that a try. The results were... pretty fucking terrible. Former play-by-play man and current WWE.com ruler Joey Styles said that it was definitely more 'E' than 'W' (entertainment than wrestling, both parts of 'WWE') and I can see where he'd take that approach, except for one thing: it wasn't entertaining. It was kind of brutal to watch these six women, only a couple of which showed any skills that would suggest putting them on TV as women wrestlers. Their promo abilities? Shit. Stuck in a dance competition? The fuck? The longest match had the two rookies wrestle some more after it was over and try to go for a pin! The other match was thankfully short -- blink and you missed it.

Not sure if I'll tune in next week, but... then again, if it's only on TV for the next few weeks, it may be worth watching while I can. Though, what happens after its run ends on SyFy is still not certain. It may become a web-exclusive show or be incorporated into Raw and/or Smackdown. We'll see. The first episode, though, was really bad. When Michelle is scoffing and joining in my mockery, you know it's shit, because she's more inclined to either not care if it doesn't interest her or, well, just be a nicer person than I am. When she joins in, you're in trouble.

Climbing Up the Walls: Six Feet Under 4.05 "That's My Dog"

For the past while, Michelle and I have been making our way through Six Feet Under. My mom watched the show religiously when it was on, so I got her the complete series a few years back when I was flush with fat grad school money and borrowed it the last time I was visiting (well, exchanged her complete series set of The Sopranos for it...). I can't remember when we started watching it. Sometime in July, I assume, but the seasons are pretty short (13 episodes each for the first three seasons, 12 for the last two), so who knows. It's a fine show. It took a little bit to win both of us over, but we're in a good groove now, watching the first six episodes of the fourth season today (for example). Like with most shows you just plough through on DVD, watching it in such quick succession hides some of the flaws (or makes them easier to ignore), but also heightens the attachment to characters. At least for me. You're spending so much time with them that it's hard not to feel more engaged with their little worlds. Tune in an hour every week with the odd break week and it's easy to maintain a casual distance, but a few hours every couple of days? You're in deep.

Which brings me to the fifth episode of season four, "That's My Dog." It's not the best episode of television I've ever seen, but it's one of the most disturbing. In fact, it's probably one of the most disturbing pieces of entertainment/art I've come across ever, mostly because it was created within the context of a television show. The episode seems like a regular episode of show with various subplots working, including one where David, the uptight-but-kind gay funeral director, stops to help a guy who says he's out of gas and just needs a ride to the nearest gas station. Something isn't right, obviously, but what happens is completely unexpected. You expect a robbery, you expect maybe some violence, but you get the entire episode hijacked along with David as the guy terrorises him, alternately being friendly and threatening to kill David. We're talking near escape gone wrong, forced drug use, lies, manipulation, a nasty beating, having a gun stuck in his mouth, gasoline poured on him with the threat of being burned alive... and with no explanation. At one time, David just asks why, how could someone do this to another person, how could they be so oblivious to their pain and suffering... and gets no answer. Mostly because what answer works? (The show revolves around pain and suffering without any answers, but this one seems worse, because the cause is sitting right there. Usually, it's the vague concept of how god could let someone die, but this... shit.)

I kept waiting for it all to be a dream since the show uses dreams/fantasies/hallucinations often, but it wasn't. It was a character that I'd grown quite attached to being put through hell while I watched. Part of me wanted to turn it off, part of me wanted to just cry, and part of me demanded I keep watching because I had to know what happens -- I had to see David somehow survive, for something good to happen.

I've seen stuff like this before in movies or comics or books... shorter versions, ones that didn't affect me as much, but this... this just left me sad and freaked out a little. I mean, this is your worst nightmare isn't it: you trying to help another human being who does everything they can to hurt and humiliate and tear you down like you're nothing? How do you watch something like that and not walk away slightly freaked out?

But, this was happening to someone I cared about -- even if he was just a fictional character. And that's something that television can do better than film, I think, because of its longform serialised nature: it makes you care more. Part of what makes this episode so powerful is that David Fisher is someone we've known for 43 episodes prior to this one. That's around 36 hours of television (which he wasn't on screen for all of, obviously, but still). Thirty-six hours of watching him struggle with his homosexuality, his relationship with Keith, his family, his business, everything... and then we have to watch him get punched and robbed and kidnapped and bullied and degraded and FUCK! It's just so damn cruel and effective.

The formula is also a tool here, because, like I said, the entire show is hijacked along with David. Once he's punched by his attacker, there are no other subplots. It's just those two guys and us as we watch. We can't escape, because David can't escape. It's not until the end, when he's walking down the street in a shitty neighbourhood, beaten, clothes torn and dirty, covered in gasoline, and a cop car stops -- he's found, not rescued -- that we get to leave as the episode fades to white.

We had to watch the next episode if only so that wasn't our last experience with the show of the day. Because, fuck, he didn't deserve that and, honestly, neither did we. But, hey, that's life and that's some damn good television... not necessarily enjoyable or entertaining, but well-crafted, well-executed, and a great use of the medium.

SpongeBob SquarePants 1.3 (Jellyfishing / Plankton!), 1.4 (Naughty Nautical Neighbors / Boating School) & 1.5 (Pizza Delivery / Home Sweet Pineapple)

[I continue to make my way through my SpongeBob Squarepanets DVDs...]

I think I may have gotten Michelle into the show. Well, not quite, but she wanted to do some cross-stitching this afternoon and I put this on, showing her "Bubblestand" as a sample episode. She enjoyed it (but didn't like SpongeBob's bubble blowing technique!) and was amused that I laughed so hard at Tom Kenny's "Bring it around town" rendition. She watched episodes 1.4 and 1.5 with me after that, and enjoyed parts of it. That's better than I expected for some reason. She did agree with my Looney Tunes/classic cartoon comparison.

Episode 1.3 (Jellyfishing / Plankton!)

The relationship of the sentient beings in the SpongeBob underwater world and the 'animals' is an odd one. SpongeBob has a pet snail and chases after jellyfish, which are treated like violent butterflies. Why are these creatures non-sentient? What makes a sponge or plankton inherently more advanced? Granted, there are hints of intelligence, but that's standard for this sort of thing. The bottom line is that there's a divide here and it seems somewhat random. Now, if it were only fish that were sential, I'd get it. Despite there being dozens (hundreds? thousands?) of species of fish, there's a common link there. Throw in dolphins and whales, and you're set. But why lobsters and crabs, but not snails? Why starfish, but not jellyfish? It's somewhat baffling.

"Jellyfishing" and "Plankton!" didn't blow me away. "Jellyfishing" basically had SpongeBob and Patrick torturing Squidward for no reason, while the jellyfish come off as both victims and total dicks. Some nice gags like the opening music, but not one I really enjoyed.

"Plankton!" introduces the show's main villain: a small, green, evil plankton named Plankton. He owns a rival burger place to the Krusty Krab called the Chum Bucket and his quest in life is to obtain a Krabby Patty to analyse it and reproduce it with the hopes of putting the Krusty Krab out of business. It's pretty inane stuff and, really, shouldn't be that hard to accomplish. But, of course, it is. I like how Plankton revels in his evilness by playing evil, bombastic music at the end of his evil monologues. SpongeBob not realising he's being controlled by Plankton was funny since it makes you wonder what his internal world is like. He must be used to his body just doing as it wishes.

Despite "Plankton!" being a 'big' episode, it doesn't feel like a proper introduction to Plankton. It's too small scale. Too wacky. The plot is the sort you expect for his third episode, not his first.


Episode 1.4 (Naughty Nautical Neighbors / Boating School)

There's a nice recovery with these two episodes. "Naughty Nautical Neighbors" is a simple morality play, while "Boating School" shows SpongeBob in the outside world a little more. They both play up the physical humour well. In the first, Squirdward is annoyed by the fact that SpongeBob and Patrick are having fun, sending messages to one another via bubbles, and he ruins it by creating his own messages. As a result, he soon has the two of them competing to be his best friend. In the second, SpongeBob wants his boating license, but can't pass the road test because of nerves.

"Naughty Nautical Neighbors" reminded me of sleepovers when I was a kid. I don't know how everyone else's sleepovers tended to go, but it was common for me (and my sisters and on The Cosby Show, too) for there to be a fight with my friend, causing ten to twenty minutes of hating one another before making up and forgetting that there was ever any problem. It didn't happen every time, but it seems like it did. Kids are weird like that. You hate someone, you like them again... I got in a fight once in the first or second grade when a friend was being mean to my sister, but we were best friends again when he accidentally knocked out a loose tooth (meaning I'd get Tooth Fairy money). That's what happens here. A stupid little argument seems like the end of the world for SpongeBob and Patrick, but they eventually make up and it's like there never was an argument. It was all stupid minor shit. No worries.

"Boating School" has a fantastic moment where Patrick is helping SpongeBob with his road test after they shoved a radio in his head, so Patrick could tell him what to do while watching through a telescope. I'm slightly bothered by the idea that Patrick is not only a good driver, but he's good enough to guide SpongeBob from miles away. But, the road test is almost over the poor, beleaguered woman, Mrs. Puff, that teaches at the boating school is so happy that SpongeBob has finally gotten over his nerves that she wonders aloud how it could have happened, laughing the entire time -- and she describes the Patrick/SpongeBob scheme exactly. Except she's laughing and SpongeBob is laughing, too, until she mentions that would be cheating.

STOP EVERYTHING

SpongeBob freaks the fuck out. He's cheating. He's cheating! He just flips his shit, starts screaming "I think I'm cheating!" over and over again, loses control of the car, and crashes. Sometimes, SpongeBob is such a child.


Episode 1.5 (Pizza Delivery / Home Sweet Pineapple)

"Pizza Delivery" coming right after "Boating School" had me thinking that they just did two boating-related stories in a single episode. I lost track of how many stories I'd seen, so it seemed like a nice continuation, of sorts. It still works that way. SpongeBob and Squidward have to deliver the first ever Krusty Krab pizza right at closing (mostly because it's a chance for Mr. Krabs to make some money and that's what he loves most). Things go wrong when Squidward makes SpongeBob drive. All he has to do is back out of the parking space. Instead, he begins backing up and keeps on backing up until they run out of gas in the middle of nowhere. What ensues is them lost, tired, SpongeBob saying ridiculous things that he heard the pioneers did, Squidward wanting to eat the pizza that SpongeBob insists is for the customer. It all culminates in them finally delivering it and the customer being a giant asshole, claiming that SpongeBob forgot the drink he ordered despite not ordering a drink. When it nearly breaks SpongeBob, Squidward shoves the pizza (in the box) down the guy's throat.

This is a nice classic premise of characters stranded in the middle of nowhere. SpongeBob annoys Squidward while clinging to his faith in serving the customer. We get to see SpongeBob pushed to the limit of sanity as his idealism is nearly crushed by the reality that some people are loud, boorish assholes. Squidward shows his softer side by protecting SpongeBob from his awful truth. This was a needed episode as it at least established that Squidward isn't all bad. We had hints of that in "Naughty Nautical Neighbors" when he was enthused/surprised at SpongeBob wanting to play him some music (until SpongeBob played, of course...).

"Home Sweet Pineapple" does little for me. SpongeBob's house is eaten (or, more properly, drank) by nematodes. It's an amusing idea that never really works after it happens. I enjoyed the nematodes drinking the house and, somehow, that meant objects inside were drank, too. After that happens, SpongeBob looks forced to move back with his parents, but tries two things first: building a new house with Patrick and, then, staying with Patrick. Neither work out. Both have the odd decent gag, but, like I said, it never really works entirely. It's a fine, decent, average sort of episode. The solution at the end is eye-rolling.

More as I watch them...

Smarkass Comments: WWE Smackdown 08.20.10

I guess I didn't discuss last week's episode at all... ah well. Some quick thoughts:

* I'm not loving the Dolph Ziggler/Kofi Kingston feud. I'd like to actually see a clean finish to a match. The matches have been fine, but neither guy is delivering stunning performances yet. I had hoped they would really up their game at SummerSlam this weekend given the event's history of fantastic Intercontinental Championship matches (for some reason, I always think of SummerSlam as the IC belt's PPV), but booking kind of fucked that up.

* Hmm... now Matt Striker is insulting internet wrestling fans. Considering a big part of his fanbase as a commentator is that audience, it seems odd. Or, McMahon has a giant bug up his ass about the IWC. That seems to be in the air right now with the people running the WWE and TNA, I guess. Then again, I can understand the WWE taking that stance since it's got a solid fanbase outside of that group... TNA, though...

* I really do like LayCool. They have their act down.

* Glenn Jacobs (Kane) has upped his game on the promos. His work tonight was the best yet. Confident, emotional, delivered perfectly. I want to see Jacobs taking up stage acting once he retires. I've thought for a while that wrestlers interested in acting should look to plays since their talent as speakers is performing in front of a live audience and emoting on a large scale. It seems like a nicer fit than film or TV, honestly. It's why backstage segments never work as well as they should.

* "Dashing" Cody Rhodes is awesome. He just is.

* Enjoyed the Drew McIntyre/Christian match. Not convinced that Christian going over was the right move entirely. Not sure what to think of a Rhodes/McIntyre alliance either. We'll see how that plays out.

* Alberto Del Rio was decent in the ring against Rey Rey and getting the win is big. We'll see how long this push lasts.

All in all, a fine episode.

Edit: Forgot about the mixed tag match, which was Serena's first match at this level. I liked her in the ring. She isn't amazing, but she looked just as good as a lot of other Divas who are with the company... and have won belts... Her doing a variation on the Go to Sleep was exactly what I wanted and my first instinct suggestion for a name is the 'Stomach Pump.' Not a fantastic name, but it suits the SES. Also, it occurred to me that, with Tiffany suspended, Smackdown currently has one active face Diva. Four heels, one face. Wow.

SpongeBob SquarePants 1.1 (Reef Blower / Tea at the Treedome) and 1.2 (Bubblestand / Ripped Pants)

It's something of a joke in my family that I like SpongeBob SquarePants. Somehow, even with the comics and the wreslting and the other geeky things I like, SpongeBob stands out. I simply find it to be a funny, inventive cartoon that has a shot of standing amongst the best of all time. A bold statement, but having just rewatched the first two episodes of the show, it's an easy statement to make.

I've decided to do short posts as I work my way through the DVDs I have (which is up through the first volume of season four plus The SpongeBobe SquarePants Movie) and discuss whatever occurs to me.

Episode 1.1 (Reef Blower / Tea at the Treedome)

First off, the DVD doesn't break the show down into the episodes it aired as, it simply presents each segment/story on its own. I'm grouping them together to try and get a sense of how they work within the context first shown.

Second off, this episode is missing a key part, the pilot of the show, "Help Wanted." It's not included on the first season DVD for copyright reasons of some sort. It does show up as a bonus feature in the third season set, so I'll discuss it then. Why? Because I am too lazy to switch DVD sets. Plus, while I'm trying to replicate the original airing feel, I also want to see how it works on DVD.

"Reef Blower" actually works very well as a first episode in an insane way that probably doesn't actually work. It's the show's only silent episode, which is part of the charm for me if it were the first exposure to the show that someone has. Something I always enjoyed about Looney Tunes and other classic cartoons was the mixture of regular ones and silent ones. The focus on visuals to tell the story completely is interesting and shows off how creative the makers of the cartoon are. Since SpongeBob is very strong visually, I'm kind of surprised they wouldn't do the occasional silent segment... then again, that probably doesn't play well with executives or, possibly, the voice talent.

This story revolves around Squidward noticing a piece of reef on his lawn and tossing it onto SpongeBob's. SpongeBob responds by usins his reef blower to get rid of it. This creates problems for Squidward as SpongeBob blows sand all over the place. The final result is SpongeBob's property looking great and the rest of the neighbourhood (especially Squidward's lawn) having big sand piles.

You get a good sense of the show's over-the-top antics with SpongeBob using his reef blower. One part that sticks out is the blower breaking and requiring some extra muscle to pull the ignition cord, so SpongeBob drags it a few blocks, let's go to wipe his hands off, but the cord stays in place, so he can be pulled back when he grabs it again. Basic visual gag, but done well.

"Tea at the Treedome" introduces Sandy Cheeks, a squirrel that lives in Bikini Bottom and acts, intially, as something of a love interest for SpongeBob. Sandy is a strange character in that she's a squirrel that lives at the bottom of the ocean and is apparently from Texas. Not exactly the sort of character you'd expect on a show like this. She walks around in a deepsea suit. The conflict comes when, in an effort to impress her, SpongeBob claims he loves air, not knowing what air is. His best friend, Patrick (a starfish) confuses it with 'airs' as in 'putting on airs' and instructs SpongeBob that he needs to act classy, mostly by holding his pinky up -- the higher the pinky is, the classier he is. When SpongeBob goes to Sandy's dome, he immediately begins to dry out, but tries to hide how awful it is from Sandy to avoid spoiling their time together. The dried up version of SpongeBob is pretty well designed. You also get to see the timing of the show as they often hold back those extra few seconds before having SpongeBob act to create some anticipation. His constant fakes towards diving into Sandy's birdbath to get rehydrated is fantastic as they keep teasing it and teasing it, making the payoff all the better. They also show their willingness to go beyond traditional animation when we see SpongeBob and Patrick both completely dried out and replaced with a real sponge and starfish.

All in all, the first episode (minus "Help Wanted") has some good gags, mostly predicated on visual storytelling. That's an area I find a lot of cartoons fall down on, but SpongeBob kicks it off with lots of wacky, over-the-top visuals.



Episode 1.2 (Bubblestand / Ripped Pants)

"Bubblestand" has some really funny character bits:

* SpongeBob trying to build a stand to sell turns at blowing bubbles quietly and not accomplishing anything.

* Patrick having to keep borrowing quarters to purchase a chance to blow a bubble and, then, lessons at blowing a bubble. For added humour, SpongeBob bites the quarter he lends Patrick after Patrick returns it as payment to see if it is a legitimate coin.

* The amount of time they spend on Patrick trying (and failing) to blow a bubble is insane. It never seems to end and it becomes awkward almost.

* SpongeBob's bubbleblowing technique is horribly involved, which makes it funnier. His pelvic thrusts while yelling "WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and his 'bringin' it around town' circular hip movement are highlights.

* A second punchline to the technique comes when SpongeBob blows intricate bubbles that also produce sound effects.

* Squidward dismissing the bubbles as pointless and childish before being tempted to blow some himself is done well. You can see him debating it in his head (not literally) and, when he goes to do it, SpongeBob and Patrick are there to charge him a quarter. He blows sad bubbles that fall to the ground immediately. In his frustration, after doing SpongeBob's technique he creates a giant bubble by screaming into the blower.

SpongeBob is insane and childish, while Patrick is a bit more serious/even more childish, and Squidward plays off both well. It's also hard to get Tom Kenny saying "Bring it around town. Bring it a-rouuuuund town!" out of your head.

"Ripped Pants" is a weaker episode, but deals with an idea that some could use against the show: running a joke into the ground. Jealous of the muscular Larry the Lobster, SpongeBob tries to lift some weights (well, a stick with marshmallows on it) and rips his pants. It gets laughs, so he keeps doing it until it doesn't anymore. It just bores people and, eventually, annoys them. This show sometimes runs jokes into the ground in a similar way, so this episode acts as a pre-emptive critique of sorts. One notable bit is the use of a musical number with a song produced by the Hot Olives, a group that occasionally opened for the Beach Boys. I used to say that SpongeBob SquarePants reminded me of Family Guy in its technique (the willingness to draw a joke out through extended silence, to break from traditional visuals/storytelling, and how it will go off on a tangent or run a joke into the ground through repetition) and this episode shows that off quite a bit.

So far, a decent start to the show. It hasn't stuck to the same characters too much beyond SpongeBob and we haven't even seen the Krusty Krab (though it was introduced in "Help Wanted"). I like the shorter stories/segments as well. I'm looking forward to watching more.

Smarkass Comments: WWE Smackdown 08.06.10

Shit, son, I haven't discussed Smackdown in a month! Perhaps that's because Smackdown has been kind of boring. I watch it and find I have nothing to say except for the odd bit of outrage at how the shit with Rey Mysterio and Jack Swagger played out. If the WWE's goal was to make me loathe Rey Mysterio, mission accomplished. I understand their need to make the current world champion an underdog because he's a small little man, while Jack Swagger is bigger than he first looks, but... come on. Swagger pretty much spent two hours holding Mysterio's ankle in the Ankle Lock. It was on so long that it was hard to believe that Rey Rey could walk, let alone wrestle. I'm not one to call bullshit on wrestling for guys coming back from injuries or beatdowns, because, if it were realistic, it would be MMA and that shit is boring. (Yes, real violence is either repulsive or boring. It either last too long and becomes a grotesque self-parody where you wonder why two people would do this to themselves, or it's so short that you wonder why you even bothered... I prefer fake violence where there's a point to it.) But, at some point, you have to wonder if they considered that they oversold it to the point where it became unbelievable. It did for me. So that made Smackdown pretty uninteresting for a while.

Then there was the Straight Edge Society looking like shit because of the Big Show. The WWE threw away the unmaskings of CM Punk and Joey Mercury for reasons that no one can explain. The SES seemed to get it together a bit this week, but I still think they need one more member: an existing wrestler who is converted to the cause through feuding with the SES. Then they'd have the right numbers to take a world belt, a secondary singles belt, the tag belts, and a woman's belt. Maybe this is just the dip before the SES rises to the top? I doubt it. (Possible candidates for conversion: MVP, Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, maybe even Yoshi Tatsu...)

I am digging "Dashing" Cody Rhodes. The new gimmick seems to have given him a purpose and direction he's been lacking. His match against Matt Hardy this evening was one of his best singles matches. He was focused and acted his character in the ring. He just needs to push it a little further and he'll be golden. I suggest he makes an obvious show of going for pins where he can watch it happen on the screen. I'm reminded of the scene in American Psycho where Patrick Bateman is having sex with two hookers and spends much of it admiring himself in the mirror. More of that, please. Rhodes should change positioning of moves so he can admire them. More of him watching the screen post-match to see how great he is. Maybe give him a valet or assistant to hold up a mirror during matches so he can watch himself. It could become too cartoonish, but it needs that little bit more.

Dolph Ziggler winning the Intercontinental Championship was a smart move. The finish was odd since the distraction from Vickie didn't actually help him since Kingston never went for a pin. In fact, Kingston never would have hit Trouble in Paradise if Vickie had been a distraction on the outside for Ziggler. I want to like Ziggler more than I actually like him, sadly. He never really wows me in the ring.

Drew McIntyre, on the other hand, has been impressing me lately. He's been better on the mic and in the ring since that deportation/visa bullshit. His inclusion in the Rey/Kane stuff was odd, but worked out well. Aside from Rey doing his usual routine of getting the shit kicked out of him for ten minutes straight and then winning after hitting four moves. The more I watch Rey Mysterio, the more I don't believe him. I did like McIntyre attacking Rey's image as a hero by pointing out that he doesn't do anything that doesn't benefit him. Rey's insistance that various things weren't his business made me turn to Michelle and go "That's not Spider-Man's philosophy." Real heroes don't need it to be their business -- they make it their business.

I did enjoy LayCool outsmarting Teddy Long with their breakaway Women's Championship belt.

All in all, an alright episode, but nothing that blew me away. I do like them playing with the taped nature of the show and including music/videos in the promos more. When Rey first said the Undertaker's name and we got a quick flash of images, I wanted that to happen every time his name was said. Not really, but it would have made me laugh.

One question to end things: where was Jack Swagger? I missed him and his All-American ways.

Forgotten Favourites: That's My Bush!

I don't actually have a lot to say about That's My Bush!, the short-lived 2001 sitcom made by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the duo behind South Park. It only lasted eight episodes, based partly on the huge cost of making it and, well, not many people giving a fuck once they realised that it wasn't a show actually making fun of George Bush. Everyone assumed it would be, but it turned out to just be a sitcom making fun of sitcoms. A little insular and such a curveball from expectations that I can't exactly blame people for not jumping on board, but, fuck it, I'll blame them anyway.

It's a remarkably stupid show full of lame, obvious jokes... but it works. It's meant to be stupid. It's only eight episodes, but they seem familiar because of the sitcom tropes Stone and Parker use. You've seen these stories a hundred times before, just not with these specific characters. There's the 'have to be in two places at once' episode or the 'trapped in an elevator' episode or the 'overhears a conversation and misunderstands what's going on' episode. It's all shit you've seen before, coupled with a random political issue that doesn't really mean anything, it's just that Bush was President and that was his day-to-day life.

Originally, Stone and Parker thought that the show would be about Al Gore with it being called "Everybody Loves Al." The show was pitched prior to the 2000 election, making Bush as the lead somewhat unexpected. Though, I do think Bush lends himself better to that likeable buffoon role.

The cast are all made up of sitcom types:

George is the likeable buffoon father/husband. He's well-meaning, but selfish at times and kind of dumb. See... well, every dad/husband in every sitcom. Ever.

Laura is the seemingly more intelligent mother/wife. Not necessarily smarter than her husband, she's just accepted as such. She acts as the moral barometer much of the time except when it's one of her own personal failings that is the centre of the episode.

Maggie is the sassy maid. Karl Rove is the sleazy workaholic. Princess is the dumb, hot bimbo. Larry is the annoying neighbour always willing to lend a hand.

The use of types is important as it allows Stone and Parker to work in shorthand. They don't need to really develop any characters, they can jump right in with no explanation ever. All you need to know is that Bush is President and be able to recognise all of the characters for their types. While you can argue that sitcom characters have some depth (and I would), the only characters here that offer any sort of complexity are George and Laura (though, Laura less so) and even that isn't much. It's all surface; all artiface.

Stone and Parker say that they constructed episodes in a fairly simple manner: combine sitcom stock situation with random political issue, then write the first half of the episode as a sitcom and the second half as farce. It's very effective with the first half setting up the situation, while the second half over does it so much that it collapses in upon itself. By the end of the show, it had become a parody of itself almost with a finale that had Dick Cheney get George fired, take over the show, and force Bush to seek work in the world, resulting in him running through a variety of sitcom parodies (The Jeffersons, Welcome Back, Kotter, Cheers, and Just Shoot Me...) before the status quo is eventually restored. What makes it even better is the inclusion of new opening credits with every new job.

Included within this framework is the Stone and Parker sensibility where they add cruder, more surprising touches to these stock characters and situations. When Barbara Bush arrives for an episode and the story is 'mother-in-law hates son's wife,' her hatred to Laura is so over-the-top, resulting in long, prolonged insults about Laura being a two-dollar truck stop whore or saying that she can smell the 'man jam' on her breath after accusing her of cheating on George. Or, the crazy mix-up episode has Laura worried that George finds her vagina digusting, while he discusses putting down their 24-year old cat (the unstated connection being that both plots involve concerns over an aging pussy, of course -- I'm kind of surprised they never used that word). The butting heads of these familiar, usually tame stories and characters with these harsher, more 'mature' elements creates an interesting tension that makes the show legitimately funny much of the time beyond its parodic nature. The surprise of the subjects of the plots creates laughs. George's punchline (with which he'd end every episode) is the perfect example of this: "One of these days, Laura, I'm gonna punch you in the face!" It's said with affection, but is so direct and harsh in its parody of Ralph Kramden's 'moon' line that it can't help but amuse (slightly).

As they say in their commentaries for the show, Stone and Parker didn't think the show would have had much to say after these eight episodes. It works for a limited amount of time, but would grow tired and stale after a while -- mostly because of its lack of depth. It's so superficial that the final episode is almost all farce, getting through the premise in the cold open.

If you love (or hate) sitcoms, it's worth checking out.

Smarkass Comments: WWE NXT 07.13.10

Oh, NXT, why are you so mediocre? For one thing, half of the episode seems to be killed with introductions and recaps of other stuff. Honestly, is there anyone watching NXT that doesn't watch Raw and/or Smackdown? (The correct answer is no... excluding any family/friends of people on NXT only, but they don't count/care about what's going on elsewhere.) So, once you get rid of the long, pointless introductions and entire segments that are nothing but recaps, you don't have a lot of time to really showcase people. This episode had one mixed tag match and it was... well, whatever. It confirmed for me that "Lucky" Cannon won't be going anywhere any time soon, something I already knew.

That left the "Showtime" Percy Watson Show/battle royal... both of which were underwhelming. Watson was nervous and didn't get much time to do anything. He speaks a little too quickly, but is entertaining. Him and the NXT rookies turning on MVP was lame since the pros were right there. They didn't take it in the natural place it was meant to, which was to then have the Nexus assist the rookies in taking down the pros. Instead, we had the pointless battle royal that was much too long without anything too interesting aside from the Miz eliminating himself to stay fresh for Money in the Bank. The Nexus beat people up... and then did it again. Somehow, they stopped the match when all of the Nexus remained and simply declared the group the winner of the match despite it being a fucking battle royal that wasn't a team match.

I have decided that I want Triple H to be the man behind Nexus and also be the anonymous Raw General Manager. His own little powerplay to take over the McMahon empire. Possibly with Stephanie at his side. Maybe him behind Nexus, her as the GM... Yes, that is what I want.

NXT this week... utterly forgettable and not very good.