Hell's Kitchen 8.03-8.06

Man, fuck the producers. When we last left Hell's Kitchen, there was a preview strongly suggesting that Raj (the fat, mentally unbalanced older chef) was going to stab someone. Shots of paramedics, angry confrontation, ominous music... all that was missing was big overlaid text saying "NEXT EPISODE: RAJ STABS SOMEONE! WATCH!"

Yeah, didn't happen.

Part of me is glad about that. But, only a part. I think that makes me a horrible person.

Only finally saw the four most recent episodes, because of various real life factors involving Michelle and her family that resulted in, Friday night, watching four episodes of the show with a break for supper. In those four episodes, I learned one thing that I actually already knew: when guys fight, it's obvious and doesn't last too long; when women fight, it's obvious and sneaky and lasts for fucking ever. Every goddamn season, the red (aka women's) team nearly implodes because they all decide to hate one another, shifting alliances on a week-by-week basis depending on who decided to fuck whoever else over lately. Sometimes, a guy is thrown in so we can see him pull his hair out, wondering what he did in a previous life to deserve this. In the blue team, people confront one another, but it doesn't drag the whole team down. I don't know... is Hell's Kitchen an unexpected study in gender group dynamics?

The show isn't really about anything else right now. Definitely not cooking.

Hell's Kitchen Season 8.01 & 8.02

Okay, this shit has gone around the bend.

There aren't too many reality TV shows I watch. That number has increased in my time with Michelle, mostly by adding the odd food-related show into the mix. Hell's Kitchen is a show I've always found entertaining/interesting because it's, presumably, people trying to win their dream job and fucking up a lot. The struggle is engaging -- and it's somewhat nice to see people being given a shot where they'll live or die based on how good they are. It's basically "You want this fantastic chef position? Fucking prove it." I can get behind that sort of thing. The competition aspect is based around preparing food and, if you do it well, you'll keep on going; you fuck up, you may be done. Every cool job should have a show like this.

Except every year, more and more of the early episodes are based around competitors that aren't going to win and are there simply because they will make things interesting and make you want to keep watching. This season, after two episodes (aired back-to-back), it's just shameless.

First up, we have Antonia, a line cook, who, in the first competition where the task was prepare your signature dish, produced a gumbo so awful that it made Ramsay (apparently) vomit, at which point he passed it around and everyone who tasted it reacted in a similar fashion. Later, during preparation for service, Antonia suffered a migraine that involved her shaking, clutching her head, and basically looking like she was a reject from a Cronenberg movie. She was then sent to the hospital, never to be heard from again. Michelle and I were puzzled, wondering if that was real, because it looked so absurd and staged. Person makes apparently shitty food, suffers from a medical condition that looks acted, and is gone... all on the first episode?

Then, there's Raj, the personal chef that has more cooking experience than anyone on the show (including Ramsay) and doesn't seem to understand anything. He gets drunk and starts doing karate moves. He bumbles around and can't cook anything. In the second episode, Ramsay confronts him about a ticket just called and Raj sort of shuffles around before admitting he didn't "quite catch it." He was up for elimination in both episodes and passed over despite obviously being among the worst (if not the worst out of the bunch). In the preview for the third episode, he seemingly attacks another chef with a knife. Yes. SEEMINGLY ATTACKS ANOTHER CHEF WITH A KNIFE.

Sabrina, a prep chef, had an attitude problem throughout, fights constantly with everyone on her team, brought food up to the pass way ahead because she couldn't coordinate anything, and, then, wanted someone else kicked off when she was brought up for elimination because that person snores. She's not as bad as Raj, but her near-tearful cries of "But I wanted you to see the food I made for you!" to Ramsay make me think her elimination will be coupled with an awkward moment where she lunges at him and tries to fuck him right there in the restaurant.

The eliminated chefs were a woman who cooked a little too slowly and a guy who couldn't get sushi rolls right. Both weren't going to win, but, come on, are you telling me the bumbling buffoon and crazy stalker lady have a shot in hell? It's almost not worth watching this shit until there's five episodes left, the crazies have all gone home, and you're left with the people you didn't know were on the show for the first few weeks, because they are actual human beings. Tucker had the right idea.

Hell's Kitchen Episodes 07.05 & 07.06

These episodes were just brutal to watch as the Blue Team just kicked the shit out of the Red Team until the Red Team decided to just kill itself. The fourth episode ended with Scott and Autumn switching teams and, wow, did that work out for the Blue Team as Scott continued to suck despite having a giant ego. I know that the producers use footage to tell a specific story, but Scott just provided so many soundbytes about how great he is and, then, screwed up so many times in the kitchen. Was there anyone who wanted him on the show by the end of the sixth episode? It was the kind of obnoxious bullshit that gets you dumped by your girlfriend when she sees it. (I am genuinely curious how many relationships have been ruined because of reality TV shows. Also, how many suicides? There's got to be some...)

* In the sixth episode, Ramsay kicked the Red Team out of the kitchen and had his TWO sous chefs finish the service. The Blue Team then seemingly stopped making any mistakes, almost as the capper to the two-episode arc of 'Hey, the Blue Team owns the Red Team.'

* Hey, wouldn't the people making the show know about Siobhan's allergies to cleaning products ahead of time? If so, what the fuck was that shit? Because it wasn't good TV, it was just stupid.

* There's something very uncomfortable about watching this show devote 30-60 seconds on the guys on the Blue Team ogling the one girl on their team at a spa.

* Later in that episode, we got an odd piece of the chefs hanging out where one revealed that she has a giant porn collection and another revealed that she used to work in S&M... completely pointless beyond just having those conversations in the middle of the show. Oddly set up with Salvatore, the Italian (who's lived in America for nearly twenty years, but speaks with an accent and doesn't actually seem to know English) coaxing the women into sharing stories like that. You wouldn't be wrong to think that they'd accidentally stuck footage from another show in...

* I was oddly disappointed that the challenge involving the pigs didn't involve the chefs personally killing the pigs they'd then cook. In the teaser last week, I immediately came up with a scenerio where Siobhan was crying, holding a knife while Ramsay yelled at her to kill the pig and she sobbed that she doesn't want to kill the pig. I'd watch that.

* This show makes me afraid to eat out...

* A little girl drawing Ramsay saying "You donkey!"? Priceless.

* Ramsay yelling at Jason had me thinking that we were two seconds away from Jason shoving Ramsay's head into the deep fryer. I'm always surprised at the lack of violence in the show. You got some angry British guy yelling at you for an unnecessarily long time after you've admitted your wrongdoing and promised to do better... yeah, I'm thinking you may want to punch that fucker. Then again, Ramsay would destroy anyone who tried.

* This show brings out more violent impulses in me than wrestling. Why?

* Judging from the teaser, Benjamin getting moved to the Red Team doesn't help one bit. In fact, he seems ready to kill himself and everyone else. I kind of want to know why.

I definitely like having two episodes in a single night. I'd rather breeze through this than have it dragged out. Also, these people suck so much that I kind of need to see two of them kicked off each time I watch it. Until next week.

Hell's Kitchen Episodes 07.03 & 07.04

This is the third season of Hell's Kitchen I've watched. More like the second-and-a-half since I only watched bits and pieces of season five, I believe. Michelle and I watched all of season six (not always together, though) and it's one of the few reality shows I can get into. The other is Celebrity Apprentice. Some brief thoughts on last night's two episodes:

* It's still too early to really root for anyone. These early episodes are mostly struggles to remember everyone's name and not getting too attached because any of them could be going home. The show basically has two parts to its season: the goofy, stupid first 2/3s where it's too crowded and everyone sucks; and, the more serious, skilled final 1/3 where the quality folks remain and it becomes less about arguing with one another and more about doing good work. These early episodes are goofy and meant to be laughed at as people act like fucking idiots.

* Jason's anger at being put up for elimination last week was understandable since Ramsay chose another person from the men's team to go home. The episode began with Jason pissed off and rightly so: he obviously didn't deserve to be put up there if Ramsay picked someone not nominated.

* Watching people walk the line between self-interest and helping the team is interesting.

* In the first challenge, Fran really bothered me because she hid her burns and tried to continue, which hurt her team. I would have sent her home because safety should be the first concern and someone like that shouldn't be there. Ramsay should have been harder on her for it.

* Scott says the same thing over and over again in his solo moments -- he's a leader, he's there to help others so the team does well... it's funny to see him say the same shit over and over again, and then him be the guy who fucks up the most. Then again, the reason why Salvatore did so well is because of Scott helping him -- something Ramsay doesn't see.

* Has a service ever gone as well as that one did so early into the season? The mistakes were small and minor, quickly corrected, and Ramsay was right not to eliminate anyone.

All in all, entertaining stuff. None of the women really stand out as great yet, but a couple of the guys are very solid/good.