Monday, April 2, 2012

Fraternizer-In-Residence Spoof Article (2007)

In my final two years of undergrad at University of Western Ontario, I wrote (and edited in my final year) for the Arts & Entertainment section at the school's paper. One of the traditions there was the April 1 (approximately) spoof issue. It was always fun to mock university events or poke fun at ourselves. When I moved onto grad school at the University of Windsor and became friend with the Arts editor at that paper (she was a fellow grad student), I began writing there as well. For that spoof issue, I wrote one of my favourite articles, one that actually got one of my profs a little upset. The prof who taught my creative writing class was also the head of the department that I mentioned in my spoof article. Except, the use of his name wasn't intentional on my part, because, at UWO, we always used fake names. Obvious fakes, but fakes nonetheless. It was part of making sure the issue came across as a jokey spoof issue. At Windsor, they used real names. That led to a fun moment in creative writing when the prof mentioned the artcle as an example of great satire and I revealed that I wrote it (my name wasn't credited) much to his surprise. He was obviously annoyed at it, but had just praised it, so... Either way, I figured since it was just April 1, I would post this here. It was a fun article to write and semi-inspired by some problems the department had had before I arrived at the school. Name in square brackets were meant to be placeholders for whatever fake names the paper had settled on. Enjoy.


The English Department at the University of Windsor has had numerous scandals over the past few years concerning students and faculty. In most cases, students and faculty can interact without problems, but, sometimes, things have been taken too far, resulting in rumours, questions of professionalism, and, even, firings. The problem: fraternizing.

To rectify the problem of students and faculty sleeping together, the Department has taken a bold new step that has some applauding and many outraged. Beginning September 2007, the English Department will have a fraternizer-in-residence.

“The position does not necessarily entail having sexual contact with students,” Department head [Karl Jirgens] said. “It is merely someone who will be open to having a more casual, non-academic relationship with students. Whether there is anything sexual going on is up to the individuals.

“We hope that the fraternizer-in-residence will be a longstanding program here in the Department and will help avoid unpleasant situations between students and faculty. By having a professor-like person on staff that can mingle with students, maybe both faculty and students won’t feel the need to seek each other out.”

For the position, the Department interviewed many candidates, but finally settled on adult film star William Bigspear. Bigspear is known for his literary-themed films like Paradise Lust, Jane Bare, and A Portrait of the Pizza Boy as a Young Stud .

As well, Bigspear has written, directed and starred in over a dozen Shakespeare-based films, such as Much Ado about Fucking, Julius Pleaser, The Horny Wives of Windsor, and Pleasure for Pleasure. [Jirgens] said his knowledge of Shakespeare also helps the department fill its current hole until a suitable candidate is found.

University President [insert name because I don’t know it] issued a statement saying that he supports the new program on a trial basis. If it’s successful, the position may become permanent and other departments may receive funding for a similar position.

[Last name of the president]’s scepticism is shared by various campus groups, including [the women’s group]. [WG’s leader] said, “The position is deplorable. It assumes that women all want to sleep with their professors and that that is somehow a problem. Women can make their own sexual choices whether the University likes it or not.”

As well, the newly formed [men’s group] has begun circulating a petition for an additional, female fraternizer-in-residence. “It is sexism, pure and simple,” [Aaron Lang], founder of the group said. “Men want to sleep with faculty just as much as women, but the Department has only hired a male fraternizer. I thought we lived in a society that valued equality, but apparently we don’t.”

[Jirgens] has responded to criticism by referencing Bigspear’s alleged bisexuality: “If you watch his performance as Fellatio, best friend and sidekick of Prince Came-Lots than you’ll know that Mr. Bigspear will service any student, male or female. If you close your eyes, oral sex is oral sex. This is an English Department and I think some of the students just need to use their imagination a bit more. And to not be so homophobic.”

Criticism also comes from within the Department as a professor who wishes to remain anonymous said, “One of the reasons I became a professor is the readily available co-eds. If all I wanted to do was teach and discuss literature, I would work at a high school, but I want to teach and discuss literature and have sex with barely legal women. It’s a perk of the job and they are trying to take that away.”

This is not the first case of a fraternizer-in-residence, the position first appeared on the campus of the University of Western Ontario in 2004 after similar problems of students and faculty having inappropriate relationships. Western President [Paul Davenport] hails the program as a big success and has implemented in every department on campus.

“The fraternizer-in-residence program has lowered complaints of unwanted advances from both students and faculty, and has also increased faculty productivity by 40%. It has been an unequivocal success.”

[Jirgens] said, “We saw how successful the program has been at UWO and decided it was worth trying here, at least on a trial basis. I’m sure all criticism will fall by the wayside once people see what the program can accomplish and the positive results it will not doubt yield.”

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