Monday, July 12, 2010

HA! Paul Blart: Mall Cop

I watched Paul Blart: Mall Cop this evening, writing about it on Twitter as I watched, and I thought I'd compile those thoughts here as a makeshift review/summary/warning:

HA! You think he won't get to be a cop because he's fat, but he doesn't get in because he's hypoglycemic! HA! His wife married him for citizenship and left him with their daughter! HA! He rides a segway! HA! The segway can't go faster than this little shit of a dog and -- HE JUST RAN THE DOG OVER! AWESOME! HA! He was checking out a woman and ran into a car in the middle of the mall! HA! Now he's using the security cameras to spy on the woman! HA! He actually cares about his job when everyone else doesn't give a fuck! HA! A new trainee can't drive his segway and has gotten lost in the weird corridors you never see in malls! HA! He's nervously talking to the woman and trying to look important, but he's just a mall cop and, therefore, a loser! HA! A douchebag is pointing out that he's a fat loser in front of the woman he likes! HA! A hot chick and a fat lady are fighting over the last bra in a certain size at Victoria's Secret! HA! Paul Blart is fighting the fat lady and she's lost her shirt almost! HA! He's in a nacho eating competition! HA! He's drunk and being all drunk-like! HA! He has no matches on his online dating account so he's crying! HA! He got a tattoo while drunk of the Loch Ness Monster! HA! The weird serious plot involving tough guy robbers is beginning! HA! He's playing Rock Band while the bad guys take over the mall! HA! The new security guard is the leader of the bad guy robbers! HA! He just realised what's going on and is going to have to save the day! HA! The SWAT guy used to pick on Paul Blart in high school and is mocking him some more! HA! The bad guys are spray tanning him! HA! Paul Blart's daughter is a hostage, too, but she's talking him up to that woman he likes! HA! Paul Blart is an unstoppable killing machine! HA! He passed out because of his hypoglycemia and is forced to eat an old, dirty lollipop from the floor! HA! The douchebag that mocked Paul Blart earlier is revealing himself to be a coward! HA! The bad guy just figured out he's got Paul Blart's daughter as a hostage! HA! The bad guy just made Paul Blart look like a loser in front of his daughter! HA! The Indian ex-bf of the teenage daughter of a guy who Paul Blart knows and whose cell phone he borrowed is tracking it via GPS because the bad guys took it! HA! The bad guy is going to steal a small plane and head for the Cayman Islands with Paul Blart's daughter and woman! HA! Paul Blart has a giant tattoo on his back above the small Loch Ness Monster one! HA! Paul Blart took down the bad guy and MASSIVE SWERVE THE SWAT TEAM LEADER IS ONE OF THE BAD GUYS! HA! He was a threat for all of 30 seconds before he was taken down! HA! The hot woman is totally into Paul Blart now, because he's an unstoppable killing machine! HA! The cop offers him a job, but he's going to stay a mall cop, because that's what he does best! HA! Extra scene over the final credits: Paul Blart marries the woman he likes and they ride away on segways! HA! That movie is over and I can safely say that it wasn't entirely bad!

One final note: when I went to find the movie in the TMN On Demand directory, I first looked under comedy... it wasn't there. Consider that.

No comments: